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Jokes with the best votes:
One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"
The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."
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What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal when they were eating a clown? "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Question: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Answer: Depends on how thin you slice them.
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Ya momma so fat one day she had ona pair of tight yellow britches she bent over to pick up a quarter. 3 guys got in. thought it was a yellow cab.
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A blonde is trapped on an island. She learns how to swim and decides to go swim to shore. When she was only 1/4 away from shore, she swam back, complaining that she was too tired.
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Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 18 years to live.
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Last added:
| A vaccumm salesman walks to a house and knocks on the door. As soon as a lady answers the door, the man throws cow dung all over the carpet. He then says, "If this vaccum does not clean it completely and perform miracles, then I myself will eat the patties."
There is a long pause....
The lady half laughing asks, "Do you want a ketchup or mustard on that?"
Puzzled the man asks, "What? Why?"
She says, laughing, "We just moved in and our electricity is not turn on yet." |
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| A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I just beat the crap out of a ghost!" |
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| Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty,the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress)
One said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Do you think we should go help?" "You bet!" said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!" |
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| A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.
To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"
So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel." |
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| The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you." |
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| A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity! |
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| One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.
After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a bus driver." |
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| The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them all a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exsist.
The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten racoon. The racoon is yelling, "Okay, Okay!!! Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!" |
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| When I was born I was Black. When I grow up I am black. When I am sick I am black. When I go in the sun I am black. When I am cold I am black. When I die I am black.
But You. When you are born you are pink. When you grow up you are white. When you are sick you turn green. When you go in the sun you get red. When you are cold you turn blue. When you die you turn purple. And you have the fucking nerve to call me COLORED! |
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| A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike." |
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