A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small.
The man, 'I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp.
A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes.
First, I wished for all the money in the world.
Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world.'
'And then I wished for a little head.'
How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Cow's go who?
No, silly. Cows go Moo!
Venice your mother coming home?
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, 'How do one armed mothers do it?' Without missing a beat I replied, 'Single handedly.'
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, 'Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?'
The guy says, 'Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.'
'Yeah?' asks the bartender, 'What did she do?'
Guy, 'She hit me with her bag of quarters!'
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath.
Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
'Can I touch it?'
'No way -- you already broke yours off!'
Visit to the doctors A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
'What did the doctor say?'
'He said you're going to die,'
After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally decided to grant a man three wishes.
'I wish for the coolest cars in the universe.'
'I wish for the most luxurious mansion in the universe.'
'And I wish for the best woman in the world.'
So God sent him Mother Theresa!