Here was this man in a bar he ordered a shot. He finished the shot and peeked into his pocket. Then orders another shot and agian peeks into his pocket. He asks for another drink. The bar-tender finally says, "Ill bring you drinks all night if you tell me why you keep looking into your pocket!" The man said that he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good I can go home.
Little Johnny was visiting his grandparents. He was out on the porch when his grandpa pulled out a cigar. "Can I have one?" says little Johnny. "Son, can your cock touch your ass?" replies Grandpa. Confused, little Johnny replies, "No." "Then you're not old enough" says grandpa. Then grandpa pulls out some beer. "May I have a drink?" Asks Johnny. "Can your cock touch your ass?" Asks grandpa. "No" says Johnny. Johnny sadly goes into the house. He returns later with milk and cookies. Grandpa sees the cookies and asks for one. Johnny turns to grandpa and asks: "Grandpa, can your cock touch your ass?" Grandpa with a smug look on his face replies: "Why yes. Yes it can." Without missing a beat Johnny says: "Then go screw yourself, Grandma said these are mine!"
Will you remember me tomorrow? yes will your remember me in a week? yes a month? yes a year? yes 10 years? yes Knock Knock who's there? I thought you said you'd remember me!
Yo mama is so fat. That when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease. The doctor gave her 18 years to live!
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?" The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips." The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Powell and Rumsfeld?" The barkeep says, "Yep, that's them." So, the guy walks over to the two and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" Rumsfeld says, "We're planning World War III.Q." To which the guy replies, "Really? What's going to happen?" Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaims, "Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!" With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!"
How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snow balls
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive industry by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon." In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day. 2: Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3: Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question. 4: Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5: Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car8" or "Car10", but then you would also have to buy more seats. 6: The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt. 7: You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine. 8: The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light. 9: The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off. 10: Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna. 11: The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car. 12: Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. 13: Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car. 14: Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again. You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sisterís Derriere The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555 Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore" Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual Your Fatherís Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock President Bush is Missing a Chromosome The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? A perfect setup for skeet shooting!