A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man, "I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world." "Yeah?" "And then I wished for a little head."
Here was this man in a bar he ordered a shot. He finished the shot and peeked into his pocket. Then orders another shot and agian peeks into his pocket. He asks for another drink. The bar-tender finally says, "Ill bring you drinks all night if you tell me why you keep looking into your pocket!" The man said that he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good I can go home.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK", said Little Johnny, "that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez", said the stranger, "I have no idea." "Well, then", said Little Johnny, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Will you remember me tomorrow? yes will your remember me in a week? yes a month? yes a year? yes 10 years? yes Knock Knock who's there? I thought you said you'd remember me!
Steak and sex are two of my favorite things. I have them both the same way -- very rare.
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again. You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sisterís Derriere The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555 Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore" Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual Your Fatherís Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock President Bush is Missing a Chromosome The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
Little Johnny was visiting his grandparents. He was out on the porch when his grandpa pulled out a cigar. "Can I have one?" says little Johnny. "Son, can your cock touch your ass?" replies Grandpa. Confused, little Johnny replies, "No." "Then you're not old enough" says grandpa. Then grandpa pulls out some beer. "May I have a drink?" Asks Johnny. "Can your cock touch your ass?" Asks grandpa. "No" says Johnny. Johnny sadly goes into the house. He returns later with milk and cookies. Grandpa sees the cookies and asks for one. Johnny turns to grandpa and asks: "Grandpa, can your cock touch your ass?" Grandpa with a smug look on his face replies: "Why yes. Yes it can." Without missing a beat Johnny says: "Then go screw yourself, Grandma said these are mine!"
What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia? A cancelled Czech!
What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? Her feet!
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?" The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender, "What did she do?" Guy, "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"