Little Johnny was visiting his grandparents.
He was out on the porch when his grandpa pulled out a cigar.
"Can I have one?"
says little Johnny.
"Son, can your cock touch your ass?"
Confused, little Johnny replies, "No."
"Then you're not old enough"
Then grandpa pulls out some beer.
"May I have a drink?"
"Can your cock touch your ass?"
Johnny sadly goes into the house.
He returns later with milk and cookies.
Grandpa sees the cookies and asks for one.
Johnny turns to grandpa and asks: "Grandpa, can your cock touch your ass?"
Grandpa with a smug look on his face replies: "Why yes.
Yes it can."
Without missing a beat Johnny says: "Then go screw yourself, Grandma said these are mine!"
Yo mama is so fat.
That when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease.
The doctor gave her 18 years to live!
How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Knock, Knock Who's there?
Highway 95 pounds!
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A perfect setup for skeet shooting!
A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive industry by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2: Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3: Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason.
In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again.
For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4: Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5: Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car8"
or "Car10", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6: The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7: You would press the "start"
button to shut off the engine.
8: The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error"
9: The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure"
before going off.
10: Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11: The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12: Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them.
Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13: Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14: Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Here was this man in a bar he ordered a shot he finished the shot and peeked into his pocket then orders another shot and agian peeks into his poket he asks for another drink the bar-tender finally says "ill bring you drinks all night if you tell me why you keep llooking into your pocket!"
the man said that "
he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good i can go home "