Funny Jokes | 10 Funny Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you?" she asks with a knowing smile. "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes" she purrs, "I am." "Well, wash your hands" he says, "I want a cheeseburger."
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and ... a coke." The bartender asks, "Whatís with the huge pause?" The bear says, "Iíve had them all my life."
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Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Do you think we should go help?" "You bet!" said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
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3 bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well", the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
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Two pretzels walk into a bar, and one is assaulted!
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Iowa Taxidermist This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
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One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?" The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol shark came up to me while I was swimmin and bit off me leg." Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
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A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. Man: "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
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One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got the person. The bartender replied that if you go into the closet there is a genie that will grant one wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said their was a genie. The man wished for 1,000,000 million bucks, but instead, got 1,000,000 ducks. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed, "I asked your fucking genie for 1,000,000 bucks but I got 1,000,000 ducks. "No duh", replied the bartender, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST!"
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Bob and dave are sat down at a bar,when bob downs a pint then he stands up pulls his pants down and farts and he shouts"goal".he says to dave if you can do this then it will be 1-1 so dave downs the pint stands up pull his pants down and bob puts his penis in dave bum and shouts"SAVE".
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