Funny Jokes | 10 Funny Bar Jokes

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and ... a coke." The bartender asks, "Whatís with the huge pause?" The bear says, "Iíve had them all my life."


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. Man: "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you?" she asks with a knowing smile. "I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." "Well, wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

Two pretzels walk into a bar And one is assaulted!


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

3 bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts "You! Your mother gives me a blow job!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough." "Just one more!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men. All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man. Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink."


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Do you think we should go help?" "You bet!" said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

Iowa Taxidermist This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?" The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol shark came up to me while I was swimmin and bit off me leg." Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."


Rate Good vote Rate Bad

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got the person. The bartender replied that if you go into the closet there is a genie that will grant one wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said their was a genie. The man wished for 1,000,000 million bucks, but instead, got 1,000,000 ducks. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed, "I asked your fucking genie for 1,000,000 bucks but i got 1,000,000 ducks. "No duh", replied the bartender, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST"


Rate Good vote Rate Bad




One-Liner Top 5:

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill.
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.