Funny Jokes | 10 Funny Bar Jokes

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and ... a coke." The bartender asks, "Whatís with the huge pause?" The bear says, "Iíve had them all my life."
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3 bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
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A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. Man: "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
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What did the bartender say to his customers? Men, Viagra now comes in liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one!
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Here was this man in a bar

he ordered a shot

he finished the shot and peeked into
his pocket

then orders another shot and agian peeks into his poket

he asks for another drink

the bar-tender finally says "ill bring you
drinks all night if you tell me why you
keep llooking into your pocket!"

the man said that " he has a picture of his wife in his pocket and as soon as she starts to look good i can go home "

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A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
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One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got the person. The bartender replied that if you go into the closet there is a genie that will grant one wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said their was a genie. The man wished for 1,000,000 million bucks, but instead, got 1,000,000 ducks. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed, "I asked your fucking genie for 1,000,000 bucks but i got 1,000,000 ducks. "No duh", replied the bartender, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST"
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Bar Troubleshooting Chart SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking trough bottom of empty glass. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION REQUIRED: See above. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION REQUIRED: Panic! SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you?" she asks with a knowing smile. "I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." "Well, wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."
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Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
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