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Funny Bar Jokes

Question: Why were guys put on this earth? Answer: Because vibrators can't buy you a drink!
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Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Do you think we should go help?" "You bet!" said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
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Two pretzels walk into a bar And one is assaulted!
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A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. Man: "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you?" she asks with a knowing smile. "I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." "Well, wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and ... a coke." The bartender asks, "Whatís with the huge pause?" The bear says, "Iíve had them all my life."
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I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me!
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
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An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were saying!"
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