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Funny Jokes About Computers

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated ’If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal.’ Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement ’Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?’ and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft: 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought ’Car8’ or ’Car10’. But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Apple car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ’general car fault’ warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say ’are you sure?’ before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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The difference between computers and people? With computers, software goes into hardware!
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My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white and plastic!
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Question: Who is the daddy? Answer: Google of course!
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Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered, "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
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Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.
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At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive industry by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon." In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day. 2: Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3: Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question. 4: Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5: Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car8" or "Car10", but then you would also have to buy more seats. 6: The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt. 7: You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine. 8: The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light. 9: The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off. 10: Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna. 11: The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car. 12: Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. 13: Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car. 14: Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
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The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back! The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Ellen DeGeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files Last but not least: The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows...
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Question: What is the difference between sex and computers? Answer: With computers, the software goes into the hardware. With sex, the hardware goes into the software!
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