Computer Jokes * 21 Funny Jokes About Computers
Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: "Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic!" The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: "One? There are hundreds of them!"
Bill Gates died and was sent to hell. When he arrived the Devil decided to give him a choice as to what his damnation would be. His choices where: A fire pit for all eternity, being ripped apart by hungry dogs for all eternity, or to spent eternity locked in a room with a fully functioning computer with full internet access. Bill looked shocked then chose the room with the computer. After the Devil locked Bill into the room, a lesser demon asked him "Why did you let him in there that seems like his heaven?" The Devil laughed manically and said "Yes, but the computer runs windows, and the keyboard is missing three keys: Ctrl, Alt, Del!"
What is the difference between sex and computers? With computers, the software goes into the hardware. With sex, the hardware goes into the software!
Floppy disk care By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour." Bill Gates continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered, "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today?s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn?t give their domain names enough consideration: 1. A site called ?Who Represents? where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? wait for it? is www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then of course, there?s the Italian Power Generator company? www.powergenitalia.com 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com 7. If you?re looking for computer software, there?s always www.ipanywhere.com 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com 9. Then, of course, there?s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
How to shoot yourself in the foot Which language is right for you? Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette. BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off. BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible. COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER. cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C. dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets. Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated. Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun. Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off. PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot. Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head. Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
You have a big hand that when you hold a mouse a new pop up message saying new hardware detected displays at your computer
Dear Editor, I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft? Sincerely, Larry
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work. Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, the Golden Rule of email: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change the light bulb? A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.
Redneck Computer Terms BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BYTE - What you pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What you did when the grass and weeds got too tall NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code,.... > (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.
More Funny Jokes About Computers:There Are Three Engineers In A Car An Electrical Engineer A Chemical Engineer And A Microsoft Engineer
If Microsoft Built Cars You Would Need To Restart Your Car Then
Mouse Balls Available As Field Replacement Unit
There Was Once A Young Man Who In His Youth Professed His Desire To Become A Great Writer
Bill Gates Died And Was Sent To Hell
By Following The Instructions Below You Should Have Error-free Long-lasting Floppy Disks
A Woman Called The Canon Help Desk With A Problem With Her Printer
With The Recent Problems Being Encountered By Windows Users All Across The Country People Are Begin To Ask Themselves If Windows Is A Virus
Is Windows A Virus
Computer Diagnosis Jeff Woke Up One Morning With A Really Swollen Wrist
Floppy Disk Care
What Do Microsoft And A Halter Top Have In Common
PROOF THAT BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST
Look Out These Are The New Viruses
How Many Bill Gates Does It Take To Change The Light Bulb
This Apparently Was A Real Memo Sent At A Computer Company To Its Employees In All Seriousness
In Heaven And In Hell
Two Computer Programmers Are Driving On A Highway
How Many IBM Employees Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb
Error Codes In Windows
Bill Gates Is Hanging Out With The Chairman Of General Motors 2
At A Recent Computer Expo Bill Gates Reportedly Compared
A Computer Techy Was Helping A Friend Set Up His Computer And He Wanted To Log In With A Password
What Is The Difference Between Sex And Computers
At A Recent Computer Expo Bill Gates Compared The Computer Industry To The Automotive Industry
There Was Once A Young Man Who In His Youth Professed A Desire To Become A Great Writer
Bill Gates Is Hanging Out With The Chairman Of General Motors
Redneck Computer Terms
There was once a young man who
The Golden E-mail Rules
I Have Two Brothers One Works At Microsoft The Other Was Sentenced To Death In The Gas Chamber
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
Apple Computer Reported Today That It Has Developed Computer Chips That Can Store And Play Music Inside
99 Little Bugs In The Code
After Bill Gates Wedding Night His Wife Finally Knew
Everyone Knows That If You Are Going To Operate A Business In Todays World You Need A Domain Name
Who Is The Daddy?
The Difference Between Computers And People?
Howard County Police Officers Still Write Their Reports By Hand
The Latest Report On Windows New Error Codes Assigned
We Are Microsoft
How To Shoot Yourself In The Foot Which Language Is Right For You
My Computer Is Like Britney Spears
The Following Are New Error Messages Are Planned For New Windows
You Have A Big Hand That When You Hold A Mouse A New
Funny Jokes:Your Mama Is So Cheap She Rolls
What Is 68?
Why don t black cats cross Trumps path
People Who Complain About The Way The Ball Bounces Usually Dropped It
Yo Mama Is So Fat She Carriers The
Yo Mama Is So Dumb She Tried To Studiy For
What Is The Worst Thing To Be In The Whole Wide World
This Guy Walks Into A Bar In Alabama And Orders A White Wine
A Chinese Couple Had A New Baby
Yo Mama Teeth So Yellow The Sun
A Redneck Taped Toilet Paper To His Television
Did You Hear About The Blonde Who Died Drinking Milk
Skinny Little White Guy Goes Into An Elevator Looks Up And Sees This HUGE Black Guy Standing Next To Him
Yo Moma Is So Stupid She Scared
Your Mama Is So Fat That When She Went To The Zoo
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
What Do You 42 Rednecks Chasing A Queer
How Many Bill Gates Does It Take To Change The Light Bulb
A Young Man Called Directory Assistance
Knock Knock Who’s There
Why Did The Mouse Go To The Party
Top Funny Jokes:
One-Liner Top 5:
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!