Doctor Jokes * 21 Funny Jokes About Doctors

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says: "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies: "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks: "How are you feeling?" The patient smiles and replies: "You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home!"

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A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith", he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination!"

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A woman visiting her doctor’s office suddenly blurts out, "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her. About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her. Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, "Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!" "Look," says the doctor. "I am sorry. I just can’t kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you."

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I have an earache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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David: My wife beats me, doctor. Doctor: Oh dear. How often? David: Every time we play Scrabble!

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One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?" The patient smiles and replies, "You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

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Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should diet. Trish: Really? What color?

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Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

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A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was" she replies, "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "Because your finger is broken!"

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"Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm!" "Are you doing anything for it?" "Snorting pepper!"

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Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them. In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.

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A jelly baby goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor! doctor! I think I've got aids." The doctor says, "You cant have aids you're too young!" The jelly baby says, "But I've been sleeping with all sorts!"

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A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months." Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?"

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Good News Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient. He looks at the patient and says: "I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?" "The good news," the patient says. "Well, the good news is we're gonna name a disease after you."

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Patient: "Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow." Doctor: "How do you feel?" Patient: "A little down in the mouth!"

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A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words: Psycho- the- rapist.

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Question: What do puppies and gynecologists have in common? Answer: Wet noses!

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk." "I know," she said, "I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came."

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Visit to the doctors A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.

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A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. "Doctor", she says, "my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore." "Hmm", replies the doctor, "have you considered taking a lover?" "I did that", she says, "and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me." "How about taking another lover?" "I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough." "My goodness", says the doctor, "you’re quite an anomaly." "Oh, thank God", says the woman, "will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut."

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After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: "No hablo inglés"

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More Funny Jokes About Doctors:

Did You Know That There Are More Than 1000 Bones In The Human Body
Four Doctors Who Had Not Seen Each Other Since Their Surgical Residencies Met At A Medical Seminar
This Guy Has A Bad Case Of Hemorrhoids He Decides To Go See The Doctor
One Day This Woman Went To Her Doctores And Said I Cant Get My Husband On Me
What Is The Difference Between A Genealogist And A Gynecologist
Doctor Nick Walks Into His Office To Talk To A Patient
A Man Goes To The Doctor And Shows Him His Penis
Two Doctors And An HMO Manager Die And Line Up Together At The Pearly Gates
A Dentist Say S To His Patient There Is A Cavity Here I Must Drill But Before Hand I Will Numb The Area With Novacain
A Psychotherapist Was Having A Roaring Business Since He Started From Scratch
Two Doctors Are In The Hallway Complaining About Nurse Nancy
Wel What Have We Here
A Man Named Matt Went To The Doctor To Get Some Pills
I Have An Earache
A Four Year Old Little Boy Was At The Doctors Office With His Mother In The Waiting Room When He Spotted A Pregnant Lady On The Other Side Of The Room
A Japanese Man Went To The Eye Doctor
John Is At The Doctor Recieving Just A General Checkup When He Says To The Doctor Hey Doc Did You Know I Can Sing Out Of My Arse
Nina Completed Four Weeks Of Dental Restoration With The Dentist
Doctor If I Give Up Wine Women And Song Will I Live Longer
This Guy Goes To The Doctor And He Says In A Girls Voice Why Do I Sound Like This
A Distraught Patient Phoned Her Doctor S Office
What Seems To Be The Trouble
What Do Puppies And Gynecologists Have In Common
There Was A Baby Born In The Hospital And He Weighed Ten Pounds
A Woman Visiting Her Doctor’s Office Suddenly Blurts Out Doctor Kiss Me
A British Doctor A German Doctor And An American Doctor Were Chatting
One Day A Guy Goes To His Doctor And Says Doc I Have These Real Bad Headaches What Should I Do
Brief History Of Medicine
A Guy Walks Into A Psychologists Office Wearing A Pair Of Shorts Made From Saran Wrap
When I Was Born The Doctor Took One Look At My Face Turned Me Over And Said
Doctor What I Need Is Something To Stir Me Up
A Man Having Trouble Achieving An Erection Decides To Consult A Witch Doctor
A Woman Accompanied Her Husband To The Doctor S Office
A Woman And A Baby Were In The Doctor’s Examining Room
A Guy Burned Two Ears
A Guy Walks Into A Psychiatrist S Office Covered Only In Saran Wrap
Doctor Feel Like A Pirate
A Doctor George Bush A Priest And A Little Boy Were On A Plane
A Brunette Goes To The Doctor And As She Touches Each Part Of Her Body With Her Finger
A Man Goes To The Doctors About A Very Serious Knee Injury And The Doctor Tells Him That The Procedure To Fix The Problem Will Be Painful
GRACE HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTER TODAY
One Day At A Trial An Eminent Psychologist Was Called To Testify
A Lady Walks Into Her Doctors Office Screaming
A Modest Man Is In The Hospital For A Series Of Tests
One Day A Girl Goes To His Docter And Says My Cat Is Making Me Sick
The Psychology Instructor Had Just Finished A Lecture On Mental Health And Was Giving An Oral Test
One Day A Guy Goes To His Doctor And Says Doc I Have These Real Bad Headaches
Doctor There Is A Man In The Waiting Room With A Glass Eye Named Brown
My Wife Beats Me Doctor
A Prostitute Went 2 A Surgeon 2 Request 4 A Second Vagina


One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!