Funny Quotes * 21 Funny Quotes

Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate. Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Go where the money is. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something. Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Great minds run in great circles. Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

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The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing. The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree. The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets. The most important item in an order will no longer be available. The most interesting results happen only once. The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.

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50 Ways To Say It: 1. "If my heart were a baked potato, Iíd serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream." 2. "Your terrible personality isnít so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, itís not as terrible as everyone says." 3. "Iíd shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you." 4. "I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way." 5. "The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, "Iím the same way when you donít call when you say you will." 6. "I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didnít run screaming. So there." 7. "Hug me. If you let go -- you lose." 8. "UmmÖ likeÖ you and me? Yeah. You and me." 9. "You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate." 10. "You are the hole in my donut." 11. "I am the pork, you are the beans." 12. "You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts." 13. "You are my personal parachute." 14. "If you were a margarita, Iíd drink you by the bucket." 15. "I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you." 16. "If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, Iíd lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch." 17. "I donít love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely." 18. "Iíll still want to have sex with you even when youíre old, fat, and ugly." 19. "You had me at ĎStop following meí." 20. "Your farts smell like vanilla." 21. "Weíre a two person chain gang." 22. "I am valedictorian of the University of You." 23. "If you needed a kidney transplant, Iíd also throw in a bonus lung." 24. "The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight." 25. "You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus." 26. "While youíre in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck." 27. "You suck! So good." 28. "If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, Iíd gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself." 29. "When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? Thatís like you." 30. "We are totally codependent and I donít want it any other way." 31. "This is the "happily ever after" part of the damn fairy tale, dig?" 32. "If you were a handful of genital crabs, Iíd never change my underwear." 33. "Iím not saying we shouldnít see other people. Iím just saying Iíll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat." 34. "I am your blank check. Donít bounce me." 35. "Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole." 36. "If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, Iíd feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body." 37. "If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then Iíd be the first to stand in line to buy diapers." 38. "Youíre such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Letís forgive each other, get drunk, and screw." 39. "If I was smart, Iíd follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner." 40. "Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopperÖ Iíd also buy you a beer and a basket of fries." 41. I wrote you a poem: "You walk in beauty like the night/ which means youíre the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I donít get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right." 42. "Iím a grown up and just face the facts that youíre my security blanket." 43. "You donít know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Letís split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge." 44. "Not only would I die for you, Iíd bitch slap Satan a good one, too." 45. "Look: youíre the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while Iíll clean my shotgun." 46. "Iím a junky for your instant messages." 47. "I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isnít that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup." 48. "Youíre my best and only naked friend." 49. "Iíd smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor." 50. "Letís set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. WowÖ wasnít that just like lame movie Reality Bites? Youíve never seen it? Itís awesomeÖ in a totally stupid way."

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Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used. Any producing entity is the last to use its own product. Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced. Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers. Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.

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Any wire cut to length will be too short. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool. Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.

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A good scapegoat is hard to find. A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. A little humility is arrogance. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. A little ignorance can go a long way. A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. A man should be greater than some of his parts.

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The ability to tell a person, to go to hell in such a way, that they look forward to the trip!

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1) Compassionativity is not a word. 2) Social Security IS a federal program. 3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb. 4) Trout are not extinct. 5) Brazil DOES have blacks. 6) Speaking is an important part of being president. 7) Our children is learning enough. 8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me. 9)Two words... Big Oil. 10) Sanity is an inalieble right.

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Wisdom of Larry the Cableguy 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. Okay, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound... That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

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Miscellaneous terms ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines!

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Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything tastes more or less like chicken. Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible. Exceptions always outnumber rules.

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"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

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Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less. Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel. Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur. Office Of Precision Guesswork. Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.

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Chinese Proverbs: Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

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Top 10 Bumper Stickers 1...Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. 2...If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 3...My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 4...To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing. 5...Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 6...I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha 7...Illiterate? Write For Help 8...If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong 9...Cat: The Other White Meat 10...Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

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Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Snowman, whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings. Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:

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The bigger they are, the harder they hit. The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie. The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. The chaos in the universe always increases. The chief cause of problems is solutions. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

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Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

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People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. People who think they know everything upset those of us who do. People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. People will believe anything if you whisper it. People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer. People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse. Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

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Confucius Says... America good place to put Chinese restaurant. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts. Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time. Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand. He who refuses to listen is lying. He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons. He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind. Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache. Wash your face in the morning, neck at night. Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth. Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup. Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger. Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission

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One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!