Funny Jokes | 10 Funny Quotes

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. A little humility is arrogance. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. A little ignorance can go a long way. A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. A man should be greater than some of his parts.
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less. Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel. Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur. Office Of Precision Guesswork. Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing. The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree. The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets. The most important item in an order will no longer be available. The most interesting results happen only once. The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Snowman, whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings. Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
Chinese Proverbs: Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate. Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Go where the money is. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something. Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Great minds run in great circles. Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
Top 10 Bumper Stickers 1...Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. 2...If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 3...My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 4...To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing. 5...Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 6...I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha 7...Illiterate? Write For Help 8...If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong 9...Cat: The Other White Meat 10...Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
Miscellaneous terms ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines!
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used. Any producing entity is the last to use its own product. Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced. Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers. Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
Rate Good vote Rate Bad
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Rate Good vote Rate Bad




One-Liner Top 5:

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
They said too much of everything is bad... But too much of goodness ain't bad?