Funny Jokes | 10 Funny Gender Jokes

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
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There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children. One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn't want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Christmas. Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real!
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Manisms 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game." (e) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
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The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Hillary Clinton and Al Gore sex scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep.
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Why Men Are Happier Than Women! 1. We keep our last name. 2. The garage is all ours. 3. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 4. Chocolate is just another snack. 5. We can be president. 6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 7. Car mechanics tell us the truth. 8. The world is our urinal. 9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. 10. Same work, more pay. 11. Wrinkles add character. 12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. 13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them. 14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. 16. One mood, ALL the time. 17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 18. We know stuff about tanks. 19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 20. We can open all our own jars. 21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend. 23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 24. Everything on our face stays its original color. 25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 27. We almost never have strap problems in public 28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades. 30. We don't have to shave below our neck. 31. Our belly usually hides our big hips. 32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife. 34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
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Question: Why are guys faster than girls? Answer: They have a stick shift and ball bearings!
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What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
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Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place!
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If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME. He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER. He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION. He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER. He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION. He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
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One-Liner Top 5:

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
They said too much of everything is bad... But too much of goodness ain't bad?