Lawyer Jokes * 21 Funny Jokes About Lawyers

Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

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Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out: "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said: "It's my nut!" The first squirrel said: "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it!" argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said: "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said: "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying: "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved!" Then he reached over and said: "And for my fee, I'll take the meat!"

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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them!

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What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter? Sue!

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A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, Iím an asshole."

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What do you call 100,000 lawyers drowning in the Pacific ocean? A good start!

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water!

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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant!

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What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? Your honor!

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats? A total waste of space!

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At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans!

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Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers? Because New Jersey got first pick!

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What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? A perfect setup for skeet shooting!

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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

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How are lawyers like whores? They both get paid to screw people!

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What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

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The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom. At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness. "Did you actually see the accident?" he asked. The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir." "How far away were you when the accident happened?" "I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision." "Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?" The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance

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What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being!

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Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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A Hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the Hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the Hindu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

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More Funny Jokes About Lawyers:

How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Plaster A Wall
The Following Is A True Story And This Situation Supposedly Occurred In A Real Courtroom
Two Lawyers Were Out Hunting When They Came Upon A Couple Of Tracks
A Big-city California Lawyer Went Duck Hunting In Rural Texas
How Many Law Professors Does It Take To Change A Light bulb
A Junior Partner In A Law Firm Was Sent To A Far Away Country To Represent A Long-term Client Accused Of Robbery
Why Does The Bar Association Prohibit Lawyers And Clients From Having Sex
A Lawyer Was Filling Out A Job Application When He Came To The Question Have You Ever Been Arrested
Judge I Wish To Appeal My Client's Case On The Basis Of Newly Discovered Evidence
What Do Lawyers Use For Birth Control
What Do You Call Satan And A Lawyer
A Doctor And A Lawyer Were Talking At A Party
How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Roof A House
Rules For Hunting Lawyers
How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change A Light
How Many Lawyer Jokes Are There
How Do You Get A Lawyer Down From A Tree?
Why Are Lawyers Like Nuclear Weapons?
One Day There Was This Lawyer Who Had Just Bought A New Car And He Was Eager To Show It Off To His Colleagues
Rules For Hunting Lawyers Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
What Do You Buy A Friend Graduating From Law School
A Man Who Had Been Caught Embezzling Millions From His Employer Went To A Lawyer Seeking Defense
A Reporter Outside Of A Courtroom Asked A Defendant
Two Men Are In Court On Drug Charges
Why Was The Lawyer Skimming The Bible
What Did The Judge Say When The Skunk Walked In The Court Room
A Man Sees A Lawyer Standing On A Street Corner And Approches Him
Two Lawyers Are Leaving The Office
Did You Hear About The Dyslexic Lawyer
How Do You Get A Lawyer Out Of A Tree
Why Does New Jersey Have All The Toxic Waste Dumps And California Has All The Lawyers
When Do You Know A Lawyer Is Telling The Truth
You Are Stuck In A Foxhole
How Are Lawyers Like Whores
A Young Attorney Who Had Taken Over His Fathers Practice Rushed Home Elated One Night
What Is The Ideal Weight Of A Lawyer
What Is The Differece Between A Lawyer And A Protitute
These Are From A Book Called Disorder In The American Courts And Are Things People Actually Said In Court
This Is The Best Lawyer Story Of The Year Decade And Probably The Century
95% Of All Lawyers
What Do A Lawyer And A Sperm Have In Common
Warning Signs That You Might Need A Different Lawyer
What Do You Call A Lawyer With An IQ Of 50
The Following Is A True Story And This Situation Supposedly Occurred In A Real Courtroom
One Day A Lawyer Was Riding In His Limousine When He Saw A Guy Eating Grass
How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb
What Do Lawyers Use As Contraceptives
Why Does New Jersey Have All The Toxic Waste Dumps
When A Person Assists A Criminal In Breaking The Law Before The Criminal Gets Arrested We Call Him An Accomplice
At The Rate Law Schools Are Turning Them Out


One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!