Relationship Jokes * 21 Funny Jokes About Relationships

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. "I’ve lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?" "Sure, but I don’t understand how that would help," she replies. "Well, every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

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Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy? No, neither did I!

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A plane crashes flying over the Pacific and somehow three people survive. Dave, Brad, and Naomi. They manage to make their way to a tiny island with enough resources to live and eat. After a few years of this nature inevitably took its course (in the spirit of procreation of course) and life went on as normal, after another few years Naomi spoke to the guys and said, "I can't stand this anymore, the guilt is too much, I'm going to kill myself" And did so, much to the annoyance of the guys. Another couple of years went by and again nature took its course, after a while Dave said to Brad, "I can't stand this anymore, the guilt is too much" "So what you gonna do?" inquired Dave. "I think I'll just bury her dude!"

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Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked Jill if she wanna. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and had a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son!

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A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. The wife asked, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" To which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old" The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room. When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says: "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me." So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested. The husband says: "I can deal with that." He takes off her shirt and shouts: "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway." The husband says: "I have something to confess also." She says, "No matter what I will still love you." He says: "Okay.I am built like a baby down there." She says: "I can deal with that." So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up. She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?" He says: "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

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To My Dearest Wife, During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often: We will wake the kids - 54 times It's too late - 15 times I'm too tired - 42 times It's too early - 12 times It's too hot - 18 times Pretending to be asleep - 31 times The neighbors will hear - 9 times Headache or backache - 26 times Sunburn - 10 times Your mother will hear us - 9 times Not in the mood - 21 times Watching the late show - 17 times Too sore - 26 times New hairdo - 6 times Wrong time of the month - 14 times You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we? Love, Your Hubby ------------------------- To My Dearest Husband, I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year: Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times Did not come home at all - 36 times Did not come - 21 times Came too soon - 38 times Went soft before you got it in - 19 times Cramps in your leg - 16 times Working too late - 33 times You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?" Love, Your Wife

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There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil," she responded. Taking off his hat he said "Pleased to finally meet you sir," "I married your sister."

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Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy? No, neither did I.

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A guy’s been dating the girl of his dreams for several months, but he’s been holding back his sexual advances because he’s worried she’ll notice his smaller-than-average penis. One night they’re in his car, and he decides to finally make his move. After kissing for a while, he opens his zipper and guides her hand into his pants. "No, thanks," moans the girl. "You know I don’t smoke."

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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?!?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

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Minnie tells Mickey she wants a divorce.. Mickey says: "Are you fucking crazy!" Minnie says: "No, I'm fucking Goofy..."

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When the bride and the groom are getting married the bride is thinking: "This is the most romantic day of my life" And the groom is thinking: "I hope I get a shag for this later"

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A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, "PIG! " The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, "WITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

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A man and his girlfriend were enjoying a ride late one stormy night in the country. As they were driving down a dirt road, the truck got stuck in the mud. The guy hops out to look and comes back and says to his girlfriend, "I need you to take off your clothes so I can put them under the tires from traction." She does and after awhile of trying he says, "Okay, we're stuck. Go down to that farm and see if someone has a phone." She says, "But I'm naked!" He looks at her and says, "Well, tie my boots around your hips to cover up with and just use your hands to cover your chest with." She makes it down the the farm and bangs on the door. The farmer walks out and she yells, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck and can't get out!" He looks at the boots and says, "Honey, he's too far in to come out!"

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A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

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"Honey", said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

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I love every bone in your body, especially mine!

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Close call A man and his wife are lying in bed one morning when suddenly the phone rings. the man answers and replies to the voice on the other end, "How the hell do i know? i'm not a bloody weatherman!". His wife, confused, asked who it was on the phone. The man turns to her and replies, " i don't know- some idiot asking if the coast is clear."

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"Oh John, do you remember, the last time we were up here was 25 years ago and we made love for the very first time near an old disused barn. I wonder if we could find it again." "I shouldn't think it'd be here after all this time." he said, "but we'll go and have a look." Suprisingly enough, the barn was still there. "Look Doreen, I sat you on that fence over there and we made love, let's do it again." She agreed and he sat her on the fence and began the business. Doreen went completely wild, thrashing her arms in the air and waving her feet around. "Wow, Doreen, you didn't do that last time." "I know" she stammered, "but it wasn't electrified then."

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More Funny Jokes About Relationships:

A Couple Trying To Break Into Society Hosted A Dinner Party
An Old Man And Woman Were Married For Years Even Though They Hated Each Other
A Plane Crashes Flying Over The Pacific And Somehow Three People Survive
Did You Hear About The Guy Who Found Out The Secret To Making Women Happy?
If You Cook Well We Can Avoid Our Cook And Save Rs 1000 Per Month
A Newlywed Couple On Their Honeymoon Gets To The Hotel Room
A Man And His Wife Are Lying In Bed One Morning When Suddenly The Phone Rings
A Man And His Wife Are Lying In Bed One Morning When Suddenly The Phone Rings
What Do You Do If Your Girlfriend Starts Smoking
A Husband And Wife Out Enjoying A Round Of Golf Were About To Tee Off On The Third Hole Which Was Lined With Beautiful Homes
What Do You Do When Your Wife Comes Into The Lounge And Start Nagging You
Sarah Was Reading A Newspaper While Her Husband Was Engrossed In Amagazine
When The Bride And The Groom Are Getting Married The Bride Is Thinking
A Man Settles Down On A Sunday To Read His Paper
A Wife Complains A Wall Clock Almost Killed My Mother-in-law Today
A Man And His Girlfriend Were Enjoying A Ride Late One Stormy Night In The Country
A Young Man Truly In Love With His Girlfriend Decided To Have Her Name Tattooed On His Penis
The Car Won T Start Aid A Wife To Her Husband
After A Long Night Of Making Love The Guy Notices A Photo
Husband And Wife Are Getting All Snugly In Bed
To My Dearest Wife
A Couple Was Getting Ready To Go To A Halloween Party But The Wife Had A Terrible Headache
A Couple Wants A Divorce But First They Must Decide
A Husband Said To His Wife I Will Take A Photo Of Your Breasts And Frame It
An Architect An Artist And An Engineer Were Discussing
Why Would A Girl That Claims To Love You Send U
A Man And A Woman Are Driving Down The Same Road At The Same Time
There Once Was An Old Couple Who Had Been Married For Thirty Years
Oh John Do You Remember The Last Time We Were Up Here Was 25 Years Ago And We Made Love For The Very First Time Near An Old Disused Barn
Minnie Tells Mickey She Wants A Divorce
Three Couples Went To A Restaurant
A Man Approaches A Beautiful Woman In A Supermarket
A Man And A Woman Who Have Never Met Before Find Themselves In The Same Sleeping Carriage Of A Train
While Her Husband Was Lying Down His Wife Removed His Glasses
Two Men Named Cecil And Scott Live Together
Friendship Is Like Peeing On Yourself
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE
The Female Always Make The Rules
A Chinese Couple Had Just Married
Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill To Smoke Some Marijuana
Two College Roommates Are About To Go To Bed
A Man Suspected His Wife Of Seeing Another Man
A Woman In The Bar Says That She Wants To Have Plastic Surgery To Enlarge Her Breasts
A Construction Worker Came Home Just In Time To Find His Wife In Bed With Another Man
A Man And A Woman Were Driving Down The Road Arguing About His Deplorable Fidelity Practices
A Woman Whose Husband Often Came Home Drunk Decided To Cure Him Of The Habit
A Married Couple Was In A Terrible Accident
A Guy’s Been Dating The Girl Of His Dreams For Several Months
A Couple Had Been Debating Over Buying A New Car For Weeks Now
A Couple Had Been Married For Many Years And Their Son Had Gotten Old Enough To Date


One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!