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Funny Jokes About Relationships

A couple had been debating over buying a new car for weeks now. He wanted a new truck, she wanted a fast little sports car so that she could zip through traffic around town. He would’ve probable have settled for a beat up old truck. But all she seemed to like were way out of their price range. "Look, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less" she said "Well, its my birthday coming up, so you can surprise me" she said. So for her birthday, he got her a brand new bathroom scale!
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked Jill if she wanna. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and had a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son!
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Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonnaise in my eye!"
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I love every bone in your body, especially mine!
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Minnie tells Mickey she wants a divorce.. Mickey says: "Are you fucking crazy!" Minnie says: "No, I'm fucking Goofy..."
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A man settles down on a Sunday to read his paper. 5 minutes later his wife walks in and hits him across the back of the head. "What was that for?" he asked. "I was washing your jeans and checked the pockets and found this piece of paper with Anne Marie on it." "Who is it then?" she rants. The man thinks a moment. "It was my horse." he replied. "Sorry" says his wife and she goes away. The man settles down on a Sunday to read his paper. 5 minutes later his wife walks in a hits him across the back of the head with a frying pan! "What was that for" he says to his wife. "Your horse has called you on the phone!" she replies.
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A plane crashes flying over the Pacific and somehow three people survive. Dave, Brad, and Naomi. They manage to make ther way to a tiny island with enough resources to live and eat. After a few years of this nature inevitably took its course (in the spirit of procreation of course) and life went on as normal, after another few years Naomi spoke to the guys and said "I can't stand this anymore, the guilt is too much, I'm going to kill myself" and did so, much to the annoyance of the guys. Another couple of years went by and again nature took its course, after a while Dave said to Brad "I can't stand this anymore, the guilt is too much" "so what you gonna do?" inquired Dave. "I think I'll just bury her dude"
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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?!?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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Bee Sting A wife comes home from playing golf with her friends. "How was your day?" her husband asks. "It was just awful," she replies. "I got stung by a bee." "Oh, that must've hurt. Where'd you get stung?" the husband asks. "Between the first and second holes," she tells him. "Hmm," he says. "Sounds like your stance is too wide."
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Chance Meeting A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil," she responded. Taking off his hat he said "Pleased to finally meet you sir," "I married your sister."
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