Funny Jokes | 10 Funny Jokes About School

Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunette, and a blonde.
Which one had the best figure?
The blonde - she was 18.

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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"
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A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
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Sick Notes These are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school district. Spellings have been left intact. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot. 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe shits. 12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear. 16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor. 23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It is a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"
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Essays Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners. 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"


A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job! Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
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The Differences In Graduates: A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?" A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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