School Jokes * 21 Funny Jokes About School

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused, "Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?" Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact. The girl responded, "It was a prank call."

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Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure? The blonde, she was 18!

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In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

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Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

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In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex." The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?" Johnny says, "Seventy-three." The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..." She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?" Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl." Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."

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Book Report Students were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life", by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor had a sense of humor and gave the student an A+ for his report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over three hours to read Clinton: Over three hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica... ooh, let's not go there either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

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The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl. After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He said, "Shree Hill." Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill." Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill." Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?" And she said, "Shree Hill."

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In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

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Sick Notes. These are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school district. Spellings have been left intact. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot. 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe shits. 12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear. 16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor. 23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally", the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It is a zebra!" "Very good Billy", the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

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A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

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What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Florida have in common? They both end up in trailer parks!

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An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a functional bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Creative Writing A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

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One year in a strict school, all the teenagers started wearing lip-stick in school. The school principal, thought this wasn't a problem, until they started leaving lip marks on the bathroom mirrors and walls. After a couple of months, the principal thought it had gone too far. So the she called a meeting in the girls bathroom with all the teenagers, and asked them to explain this awful behavior, the girls said nothing, so the principal asked the janitor to show the girls how hard it was to clean the lip prints off, so the janitor got out a sponge, dipped it into a toilet and started to rub off the lip marks. Since then, there have been no more lip-stick-marks!

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

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Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job! Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

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The Differences In Graduates: A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?" A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope. But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were. "Those are sperm cells."

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More Funny Jokes About School:

Guess Why The Bog Eyed Teacher Is Getting Sacked
First-year Students At Med School Were Receiving Their First Anatomy Class With A Real Dead Human Body
Three Third Graders Were Walking Down The Street A Redhead Brunette And A Blonde
Students In Biology Were Taking Their Final Exam
An Eccentric Philosophy Professor Gave A One Question Final Exam After A Semester Dealing With A Broad Array Of Topics
For Weeks A Six-year Old Lad Kept Telling His First-grade Teacher About The Baby Brother Or Sister That Was Expected At His House
One Day There Was A Boy Who Came Home Crying After School
All Right Class I Want You To Go Home And Come Back Tomorrow With As Many Positions As You Can Think Of For Making Sex
Mrs Applebee The 6th Grade Teacher Posed The Following Problem To One Of Her Classes
A Teacher Was Testing The Children In Her Sunday School Class To See If They Understood The Concept Of Getting To Heaven
An Autopsy Professor Was Giving An Introductory Lecture To A Class Of Students
A Very Self-important University Freshman Attending A Recent Football Game Took It Upon Himself To Explain To A Senior Citizen Sitting Next To Him
A Teacher Asks Her Class If There Are 5 Birds Sitting On A Fence And You Shoot One Of Them How Many Will Be Left
One Fine Day In The Middle Of Class At School A Girl Raised Her Asking To Be Excused
The Aspiring Psychiatrists Were Attending Their First Class On Emotional Extremes
The Differences In Graduates
A Lecturer Teaching Medicine Was Tutoring A Class On Observation
One Day The Teacher Decides To Play An Animal Game
There Was A Boy And His Teacher Asked Him To Write 5 Words As A Home Work
It Was The Last Day Of School Kids Bring In Candy Stuff Like That
A Linguistics Professor Was Lecturing To His English Class One Day
On The First Day Of College The Dean Addressed The Students Pointing Out Some Of The Rules
A Teacher Asks Her Class Of 3rd Graders To Use The Word Fascinate In A Sentence
Students Were Assigned To Read Two Books Titanic And My Life By Bill Clinton
According To A News Report A Certain Private School In Victoria BC Recently Was Faced With A Unique Problem
A Little Girl Was Failing Math
After School Billy Sees Two Nuns Walking On The Street So He Says Hello
Why Are Fish So Smart
A College Professor Was Reminding Her Class Of Their Final Exam Tomorrow
Thier Was This Kid That Always Got Picked On At School
The Teacher Was Checking Her Student Roster
There Was This Teacher Who Was Teaching Young Kids The Different Types Of Animals She Showed Them The Picture Of A Giraffe And Asked Them What It Was
A Grade School Teacher Was Asking Students What Their Parents Did For A Living
Three Third Graders Were Walking Down The Street
In School One Day The Teacher Decided That In Science Class She Would Teach About The Elements
Sick Notes These Are Real Notes Written By Parents In An Alabama School District
The National Poetry Contest Had Come Down To Two A Yale Graduate And A Redneck From Texas
A Principal Of A Small Middle School Had A Problem With A Few Of The Older Girls Starting To Use Lipstick
So George Is Doing Yet Another Photo Op At An Elementary School
A Pre-med Student At Washington University In St Louis
Every Year English Teachers From Across The USA Can Submit Their Collections
A Group Of Students Had A Biology Lab
Here Is A Great Letter From MIT To A Prospective Student And That Students Response
Name That Animal
On The First Day Of College The Dean Gave A Speech About On-campus Rules
This Teacher Says To His Class And Says I Will Ask You A Question If You Get It Right I Will Let You Go Home
A Lecturer Teaching Medicine Was Giving A Classroom Observation
One Day In School The Teacher Decides To Play 20 Questions
Have You Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking
What Do Tornadoes And Graduates From The University Of Florida Have In Common


One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!