Various Jokes * 21 Funny Various Jokes

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Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" New employee: "Yes, sir." Boss: "We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"

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In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. 'The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You!'

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What do you call a person who can sit on an ice cream and tell the flavor? A smartass!

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!"

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What do a hockey player and a magician have in common? Hat tricks.

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I"ll tell you later.

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A Funny Story. There are many wise and foolish men. Like this guy named Billy. Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found. Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door "STUPID OAF" and went home. Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door. He immediately rushed to the persons house and said "I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today. I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door."

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One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away." The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

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What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? virgin megastore

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Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, "If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way." So all the guys said, "Ok" Then St Peter said, "But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels." Then St Peter asked the first guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And the guy said, "Yes, but only 2." So he got a small compact car. St Peter asked the second guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "Yes but only once." So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car. Then St peter asked the last guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "No never!" So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy. The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, "What's wrong?" And he said, "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"

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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

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One day a little girl was sitting at the breakfast table with her mother. The little girl said "Mom how come you have grey hairs?" "Well sweety, i have gray hairs because everytime you are bad ar do something one of my hairs turn gray," replied her mom. The little girl thaught for a while and then said, "How come Gramdmom has so manny gray hairs?"

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Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him. Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was, "Score! Score! Score!" But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the Chalupa!"

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A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

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What do u call 100 nuns in a shop? A virgin mega store!

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Hey had two parrots. A cussing one, and a holy one. Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white. The priest usually use to carry white one to church. So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white. So good one was bad and bad one was good. So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church. The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above. The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up. But it happen by chance one extra man came. So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man. The parrot dropped a bread. Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, "EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop", and shits in priest face. Then parrot says, "You give me fucking extra bread!" Then flies out the church!

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You think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!

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A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.

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Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning." "It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke." "I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her." The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside. "?5 of 4-Star, please." she says.

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One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "this is very important." "Glad to help," she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

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More Funny Various Jokes:

The Chief Executive Of An HMO Died And Was Very Relieved That He Got Into Heaven
There Were Three Kids And When They Where Two One Asked Her Mom
The Election Is Over The Results Are Well Known
How Many Republicans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb
An Asian Man Walked Into The Currency Exchange In New York With 2000 Japanese Yen And Walked Out With 72 Dollars
What Is The Difference Between A Tire And 365 Condoms
HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS
One Morning While Making Breakfast A Man Walked Up To His Wife And Pinched Her On Her Butt
Why Do Midgets Laugh When They Play Football
A Man Had To Go To The Bathroom Really Bad And The Men S Bathroom Was Locked So He Had To Go Into The Women S
A Woman Was Being Questioned In A Court Trial Involving Slander
What Do U Call A Chinese Pedophile
A Pompous Minister Was Seated Next To A Hillbilly On A Flight Across The Country
This Is Your Captain Speaking We Have Leveled Off And Arecruising At Flight Level Three Five Zero
If The Dove Is The Bird Of Peace What Is The Bird Of True Love
This Guy Comes Home From Work One Day To Find His Dog With The Neighbors Pet Rabbit In His Mouth
This Is An Actual Account By A Worker At A Technical Support And Service Center
Good Bad And Worse
A Scottishman An Englishman And An Irishman Are In A Hot Air Balloon
A Man Dies And Appears At The Pearly Gates
An 18th-century Vagabond In England Exhausted And Famished Came To A Roadside Inn
A Young Boy Was Crossing De Road Wit His Father
Tarzan Had Been Living Alone In His Jungle Kingdom For 30 Years With Only Apes For Company
Yo Mama Is So Old She Knew Burger King
Here Was This Old Old Turtle That Wants To Cross A 6lane Free Way To Get To The River On The Other Side
What Do A Walrus And Tupperware Have In Common
A Police Officer In A Small Town Stopped A Motorist Who Was Speeding Down Main Street
My friend was cold so I told her
Two Elderly Ladies Are Sitting On The Front Porch Doing Nothing
My Kids Love Going To The Web And They Keep Track Of Their Passwords By Writing Them On Post-it Notes
A Bear And A Rabbit Was Taking A Shit In The Woods
Things not to do when pulled over by the police
How Do You Stop A Taliban Tank
Young Boy Said To His Father You C Dad I-really Wanna Marry
Two Guys Were Walking Along A Road In Georgia When They Were Struck By A Police Car Driven By A Drunken Cop
YOU ARE THE 999999999TH VISITOR
Why Are There So Many Trees Along The Streets Of Paris
Ur Doodle Is So Fat The Only Way U Could Lose Your
Your So Ugly That When You Looked
A Man Walked Into A Market To Get Some Cat Food For His Cat
Did You See That Two Guys Are Out Hunting Deer
When You Have An I Hate My Job Day Try This
Why Did The Squirrel Lay On Its Stomach
What Kind Of Fish Does A Priest Eat
There Was An American Man That Had An Meeting In France
There Was A Little Girl And Her Mother Walking Through The Park One Day And They Saw Two Teenagers Having Sex On A Bench
A Man Walks Up To The Teller At A Bank Pulls Out A Gun And Demands 25,000 In Cash
There Was This Snail Who Wanted To Be A Formula One Racing Driver
3 Rabbi S Are Having Dinner Together One Rabbi Looks Troubled
One Day A Man Decided To Drive His Motorcycle At Full Speed Down An Empty Street


One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.