Various Jokes * 21 Funny Various Jokes

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Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" New employee: "Yes, sir." Boss: "We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"

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In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. 'The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You!'

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A Funny Story. There are many wise and foolish men. Like this guy named Billy. Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found. Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door "STUPID OAF" and went home. Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door. He immediately rushed to the persons house and said "I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today. I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door."

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!"

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One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away." The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

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What do you call a person who can sit on an ice cream and tell the flavor? A smartass!

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What do a hockey player and a magician have in common? Hat tricks.

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I"ll tell you later.

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What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? virgin megastore

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Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, "If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way." So all the guys said, "Ok" Then St Peter said, "But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels." Then St Peter asked the first guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And the guy said, "Yes, but only 2." So he got a small compact car. St Peter asked the second guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "Yes but only once." So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car. Then St peter asked the last guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "No never!" So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy. The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, "What's wrong?" And he said, "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"

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One day a little girl was sitting at the breakfast table with her mother. The little girl said "Mom how come you have grey hairs?" "Well sweety, i have gray hairs because everytime you are bad ar do something one of my hairs turn gray," replied her mom. The little girl thaught for a while and then said, "How come Gramdmom has so manny gray hairs?"

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A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

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What do u call 100 nuns in a shop? A virgin mega store!

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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

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Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning." "It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke." "I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her." The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside. "?5 of 4-Star, please." she says.

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Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him. Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was, "Score! Score! Score!" But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the Chalupa!"

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Hey had two parrots. A cussing one, and a holy one. Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white. The priest usually use to carry white one to church. So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white. So good one was bad and bad one was good. So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church. The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above. The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up. But it happen by chance one extra man came. So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man. The parrot dropped a bread. Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, "EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop", and shits in priest face. Then parrot says, "You give me fucking extra bread!" Then flies out the church!

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear whos yelling, "OK, OK! Im a rabbit!"

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You think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!

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A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.

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More Funny Various Jokes:

Why Did The Rooster Cross The Basketball Court
A Businessman From New York Is Driving Through Mississippi On His Way Home For Christmas
A Concerned Girl Asked The Priest Father Is It A Sin To Have Sex Before Receiving Communion
A Horse And A Chicken Are Playing In A Meadow
What Did The Snail Say When It Caught A Ride On The Back Of The Turtle As It Was Crossing The Road
A Truck Driver Was Driving Along On The Freeway
Three Nuns Used To Go To The Church From Their Homes Every Day
The Two Cows Example of Political Philosophy
A Fireman Is At The Station House Working Outside On The Fire Truck When He Notices A Little Girl Next Door
What Is The Definition Of Suspicious
The Easiest Way To Find Something Lost Around The House Is To Buy A Replacement
I Asked A Jew Who He Was Going To Vote For As President
What Do You Call A Cross Between Cold Weather And The Word Ito
Heard On A Public Transportation Vehicle In Orlando
When NASA First Started Sending Up Astronauts They Quickly Discovered That
Drive Thru Fun
A Gay Guy And A Rabbi Die And Go To Heaven
How Do You Turn A Dishwasher Into A Snowplow
A Blind Man Walks In To A Department Store With His Seeing Eye Dog On A Leash
A Chinese Man Arranges For A Hooker To Come To His Room For The Evening
Two Hunters Got A Pilot To Fly Them Into The Far North For Elk Hunting
The Day Care Bus Driver Drives With A Bus Full Of Sun City Seniors Down A Highway When A Little Old Lady Taps Him On His Shoulder
Once There Was A Cuban Mexican Nigeran And A White Guy Stuck In A Boat In The Middle Of The Ocean
Home Remedies
A Woman Goes Into A Restaurant In A Small Town Out In The Country
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like Night
What Did The 0 Say To The 8
There Were Three Men On Top Of A Mountain
A Wealthy Investor Walked Into A Bank And Said To The Bank Manager I Would Like To Speak With Mr Reginald Jones
In Case You Needed Further Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed Through Stupidity
A Hunter Just Tagged His Deer As The Game Warden Walked Up
Pass My Shotgun
Two Men Are Approaching Each Other On A Sidewalk
A Girl From Texas And A Girl From New York Were Seated Side By Side On An Airplane
The Soldiers Are Tired And Lonely After Spending Weeks In Enemy Territory
There Were 3 People There Names Where Shutup Manners Poop
Deep Thoughts On The Farm
What Do Gay Termites Eat
A Lady Walked Into A Bank And Asked To Make A Wager
Over The Past Several Months My Company Has Shorted My Paychecks Several
LALURAM Order Dosa Andeat Only Masala
Merry Christmas In Legal Terms
In A Small Town Three Mothers Were Conversing About Their Sons Over A Cup Of Tea
How Many Republicans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb
A Friend Of Mine Was A Frequent User Of A Pay Telephone At A Popular Truck Stop
A Policeman Spots A Woman Driving And Knitting At The Same Time
Some Good Pick-up Lines
What Is LXIX
Salary Theorem States That Engineers And Scientists Can Never Earn As Much As Business Executives And Sales People
The New York Times Among Other Papers Recently Published A New Hubble Space Telescope Photograph Of Distant Galaxies Colliding


One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!




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