Various Jokes * 21 Funny Various Jokes

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Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" New employee: "Yes, sir." Boss: "We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"

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In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. 'The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You!'

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A Funny Story. There are many wise and foolish men. Like this guy named Billy. Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found. Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door "STUPID OAF" and went home. Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door. He immediately rushed to the persons house and said "I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today. I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door."

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!"

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One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away." The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

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What do you call a person who can sit on an ice cream and tell the flavor? A smartass!

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I"ll tell you later.

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What do a hockey player and a magician have in common? Hat tricks.

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What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? virgin megastore

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Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, "If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way." So all the guys said, "Ok" Then St Peter said, "But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels." Then St Peter asked the first guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And the guy said, "Yes, but only 2." So he got a small compact car. St Peter asked the second guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "Yes but only once." So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car. Then St peter asked the last guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "No never!" So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy. The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, "What's wrong?" And he said, "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"

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One day a little girl was sitting at the breakfast table with her mother. The little girl said "Mom how come you have grey hairs?" "Well sweety, i have gray hairs because everytime you are bad ar do something one of my hairs turn gray," replied her mom. The little girl thaught for a while and then said, "How come Gramdmom has so manny gray hairs?"

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A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

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What do u call 100 nuns in a shop? A virgin mega store!

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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

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Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning." "It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke." "I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her." The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside. "?5 of 4-Star, please." she says.

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Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him. Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was, "Score! Score! Score!" But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the Chalupa!"

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Hey had two parrots. A cussing one, and a holy one. Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white. The priest usually use to carry white one to church. So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white. So good one was bad and bad one was good. So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church. The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above. The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up. But it happen by chance one extra man came. So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man. The parrot dropped a bread. Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, "EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop", and shits in priest face. Then parrot says, "You give me fucking extra bread!" Then flies out the church!

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear whos yelling, "OK, OK! Im a rabbit!"

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You think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!

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A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.

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More Funny Various Jokes:

An Italian A Bum And A Gay Guy In Hell
Once There Was A Little Boy In Church
According To The Australian An Airliner Recently Encountered Severe Vibration In Flight
The Strong Young Man At The Construction Site Was Bragging That He Could Outdo Anyone In A Feat Of Strength
Three Guys Are In A Strip Club
The Four Stages Of Life
How Many Union Guys Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb
A Salesman From KFC Walked Up To The Pope And Offers Him A Million Dollars If He Would Change The Lord S Prayer
One Christmas Eve Santa Claus Comes Down The Chimney And Is Startled By A Beautiful 19 Year Old Blonde
In The Convent A Young Nun Went To See The Mother Superior
Why Do U Have 2 Boobs On Ur Back
A Guy Enters Confessional And Says To The Priest With Guilt I Had An Affair
How Do You Get Pikachu On A Bus
What Has 100 Teeth And Holds Back A Monster
A Couple Drove Several Miles Down A Country Road Not Saying A Word
I Was On The Plane And This Bloke Sat Next To Me Who Looked Just Like Me
A Preacher Was On Fire One Sunday
A Zookeeper Approaches Three Boys Standing Near The Lions Cage And Asks Them Their Names
The LAPD The FBI And The CIA Are All Trying To Prove That They Are The Best At Apprehending Criminals
What Did Geronimo Say When He Jumped Out Of The Airplane
Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill
A Concerned Girl Asked The Priest Father Is It A Sin To Have Sex Before Receiving Communion
Why Do They Call It A Toothbrush Instead Of A Teethbrush
You Have A Donkey And I Have A Rooster Your Donkey Bites My Roosters Feet
A Little Kid Asks His Father Daddy Is God A Man Or A Woman
A Man Goes In The Sex Shop And Asks The Clerk Where The Blow Up Dolls Are
My Therapist Told Me The Way To Achieve True Inner Peace Is To Finish What I Start
Boy Excuse Me Youv Got Something On Your Assgirl What Is It
It Was Cristmas Eve And Hannah Was Getting Ready For Bed
Why Did The Gynecologist Go To The Eye Doctor
Once There Was A Boy Who Slept With A Girl Few Days Ago
Did You Know The Toothbrush Was Invented In West Virginia
Rearrange The Letters
A Man Was Walking In The City When He Was Interrupted By A Particularly Dirty And Shabby-looking Bum Who Asked Him For A Couple Of Dollars For Dinner
A Man And A Friend Are Playing Golf One Day At Their Local Golf Course
There Was Once A Rabbit In A Bird Who Didnt Like Each Other
A Missionary Who Had Spent Years Showing A Tribe Of Natives How To Farm And Build Things To Be Self-sufficient Gets The Word That He Is To Return Home
A Friend Was In Front Of Me Coming Out Of Church One Day And The Preacher Was Standing At The Door As He Always Is To Shake Hands
Three Men Are Found In The Wilderness By Civilized Cannibals
One Day A Man Goes Swimming And He Need A Paslock Far A Locker So He Asks Stuf To Borow One And The Stuf Says That The Code Is Four Zero
Did You Know That Dihoreaah
An Archaeologist Is The Best Husband A Woman Can Have
There Were Three Burglars
Why Cant Bikes Stand Alone
A Man Goes Skydiving For The First Time
The Soldier Serving In Hong Kong Was Annoyed And Upset When His Girl Wrote
Helen Keller Went To Town Riding On A Pony
This Guy Comes Home From Work One Day To Find His Dog With The Neighbors Pet Rabbit In His Mouth
Deep Within A Forest A Little Turtle Began To Climb A Tree
Can I Borrow That Book Of Yours How To Become A Millionaire


One-Liner Top 5:

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!




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