Various Jokes * 21 Funny Various Jokes
Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" New employee: "Yes, sir." Boss: "We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. 'The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You!'
A Funny Story. There are many wise and foolish men. Like this guy named Billy. Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found. Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door "STUPID OAF" and went home. Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door. He immediately rushed to the persons house and said "I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today. I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door."
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!"
One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away." The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."
Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, "If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way." So all the guys said, "Ok" Then St Peter said, "But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels." Then St Peter asked the first guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And the guy said, "Yes, but only 2." So he got a small compact car. St Peter asked the second guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "Yes but only once." So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car. Then St peter asked the last guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "No never!" So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy. The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, "What's wrong?" And he said, "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"
One day a little girl was sitting at the breakfast table with her mother. The little girl said "Mom how come you have grey hairs?" "Well sweety, i have gray hairs because everytime you are bad ar do something one of my hairs turn gray," replied her mom. The little girl thaught for a while and then said, "How come Gramdmom has so manny gray hairs?"
A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning." "It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke." "I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her." The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside. "?5 of 4-Star, please." she says.
Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him. Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was, "Score! Score! Score!" But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the Chalupa!"
Hey had two parrots. A cussing one, and a holy one. Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white. The priest usually use to carry white one to church. So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white. So good one was bad and bad one was good. So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church. The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above. The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up. But it happen by chance one extra man came. So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man. The parrot dropped a bread. Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, "EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop", and shits in priest face. Then parrot says, "You give me fucking extra bread!" Then flies out the church!
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who’s yelling, "OK, OK! I’m a rabbit!"
You think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
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Three Guys Are In A Strip Club
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Why Did You Make Eve So Beautiful
Your So Ugly That You Made An
What Did The Left But Cheek Say To The Right But Cheek
There Were Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench Passing The Day Away Talking
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Why Did The Mexican Girl Get Pregnant
What Do You Get When You Run Over A Parakeet With A Lawnmower
Early One Morning The Milkman Was Doing His Rounds
Young Boy Said To His Father You C Dad I-really Wanna Marry
A Little Boy Got On The Bus Sat Next To A Man Reading A Book And Noticed He Had His Collar On Backwards
HOW DOES A WOMAN MAKE A MAN EAT SHIT
What Do You Call A West Virginian Which A Sheep Under Each Arm
Show Me A Piano Falling Down A Shaft
Where Do Bees Go To The Bathroom
What Do You Do If You See A Politician Walking Down The Road With Half A Head
A Man Took A Poop In A Gas Station And Then Realized There Was No Toilet Paper
What Did The Maxi Pad Say To The Fart
An Organization Is Like A Tree Full Of Monkeys
They Had Lived Together In The Backwoods For Over Fifty Years
How Do U Giv Pleasure 2 A Female Archiologist
Why Are Boats Girls
There Was This Hunk At A Trade Fair Flashing His Big Muscles And Repeating Ten Tons Of Dynamite Ten Tons Of Dynamite While Eyeing The Females Around
How Do You Turn An Elephant Into A Cherry Tree
Their Were Three Mountain Climbers One Found A Lamp He Rubbed It There Poped Up Jenie The Jenie Said You Three Get Each Three Wishes
A Woman Walks Into A Restaurant And Sits Down
A Missionary Who Had Spent Years Showing A Tribe Of Natives How To Farm And Build Things To Be Self-sufficient Gets The Word That He Is To Return Home
Why Don T They Have Illegal Aliens On The Starship Enterprise
Why Did The Italian Boy Want To Grow A Mustache
An Old Man Gets On A Crowded Bus And No One Gives Him A Seat
HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS
Merry Christmas In Legal Terms
Did You Hear About The Gay Midget
Any Minimum Criteria Set Will Be The Maximum Value Used
Why Are There So Many Trees Along The Streets Of Paris
THE TOP THIRTEEN CHANGES UNDER A GOVERNMENT RUN BY PRO WRESTLERS
Here Was An English Man
A Man Bought A Donkey From An Old Farmer For 100
What Is Funnier Then A Dead Osama Bin Laden?
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A Reporter Outside Of A Courtroom Asked A Defendant
You Might Be Ghetto If The Rims On Your Car
You Might Be A Redneck If You Think Wind
Have you seen the Clint Eastwood film about Donald Trump
Where Do Polar Bears Vote
When You Have An I Hate My Job Day Try This
A Biker Walks Into A Yuppie Bar
Yo Mamma So Racist She Shot
There Is 3 Men One From Ireland One From America And One From Australia
What Do You Call Two Lesbians In A Canoe?
Blondes Are So Stupid That When It Is Dinner Time
How can Donald Trump be hostile to people
Two Blondes Realize That Their Apartment Is On Fire
What Is A Million Years Like To You?
What Do You Call A Blonde Who Eats Too Much
This Could Be Considered THE Ideal World For Many Men
Last Week I Purchased A Burger At Burger King For 158
Bar Troubleshooting Chart
Odd But True Facts
What Is A Mexicans Favorite Sport
Top Funny Jokes:
One-Liner Top 5:
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.