Various Jokes * 21 Funny Various Jokes
Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" New employee: "Yes, sir." Boss: "We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. 'The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You!'
A Funny Story. There are many wise and foolish men. Like this guy named Billy. Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found. Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door "STUPID OAF" and went home. Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door. He immediately rushed to the persons house and said "I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today. I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door."
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!"
One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away." The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."
Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, "If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way." So all the guys said, "Ok" Then St Peter said, "But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels." Then St Peter asked the first guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And the guy said, "Yes, but only 2." So he got a small compact car. St Peter asked the second guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "Yes but only once." So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car. Then St peter asked the last guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "No never!" So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy. The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, "What's wrong?" And he said, "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"
One day a little girl was sitting at the breakfast table with her mother. The little girl said "Mom how come you have grey hairs?" "Well sweety, i have gray hairs because everytime you are bad ar do something one of my hairs turn gray," replied her mom. The little girl thaught for a while and then said, "How come Gramdmom has so manny gray hairs?"
A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning." "It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke." "I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her." The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside. "?5 of 4-Star, please." she says.
Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him. Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was, "Score! Score! Score!" But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the Chalupa!"
Hey had two parrots. A cussing one, and a holy one. Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white. The priest usually use to carry white one to church. So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white. So good one was bad and bad one was good. So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church. The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above. The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up. But it happen by chance one extra man came. So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man. The parrot dropped a bread. Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, "EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop", and shits in priest face. Then parrot says, "You give me fucking extra bread!" Then flies out the church!
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who’s yelling, "OK, OK! I’m a rabbit!"
You think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
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Kids In The Back Seat Cause Accidents
The Committee For The Reduction Of Redundancy And The Antiproliferation Of Repetition Has Decided
A Young Journalism Graduate From Arkansas Had Gone To Work For The New York Times
You Are Driving Along In Your Car On A Wild Stormy Night
Reaching The End Of A Job Interview The Human Resources Person Asked The Young MBA Fresh Out Of MIT
Two Neighbors Were Talking About Work When One Asked Say Why Did The Foreman Fire You
A Girl Gets Two Tattoos On Her Inner Thighs One Of Mike Tyson On Her Right Inner Thigh And The Other Is Of Evander Holifield On Her Left Inner Thigh
Two Guys Are Walking Down The Street When A Mugger Approaches Them And Demands Their Money
What Do U Call 100 Nuns In A Shop
A Man Is Talking To Another Man
A Fisherman Returned To Shore With A Giant Marlin That Was Bigger And Heavier Than He
A Robber Broke Into A Woman S House And The Woman Saw Him
Three Boys Were Sitting On Some Steps Watching Cars Go By
A Blind Man Walks Into A Store With His Seeing Eye Dog
Ur Doodle Is So Fat The Only Way U Could Lose Your
The Lifeguard Told The Mother To Make Her Young Son Stop Urinating In The Pool
Recently The Psychic Hotline And Psychic Friends Network Have Launched Hotlines For Frogs
Heres A Kentucky Family And The Girls Ask Her Dad If She Can Drive The Truck To The Store
A Young Executive Was Leaving The Office Late One Evening When He Found The CEO Standing In Front Of A Shredder With A Piece Of Paper In His Hand
The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats
Warning To Shoplifters
How Can You Tell If A West Virginia Girl Is A Virgin
A Woman Walks Into The Store And Purchases The Following
A Blind Man Walks Into A Store With His Seeing Eye Dog
What Is The Difference Between A Woman A Pool Table
A Jumbo-sized Freshman Went To Try Out For The Football Team
What Do You Call A Deer With No Eyes
If Your Fat And You Go Swimming In America And See A Shark Do As Follows
What Animal Should You Never Play Cards With
A Nun At A Catholic School Is Asking Her Students What They Want To Be When They Grow Up
A Hunter Just Tagged His Deer As The Game Warden Walked Up
A Bear And A Rabbit Were Both Taking A Dump Right Next To Each Other
I Just Got My New Lexus RX400h And Returned To The Dealer The Next Day Complaining That I Couldn T Figure Out How The Radio Worked
While Proudly Showing Off His New Apartment To Friends A College Student Led The Way Into The Den
In Most Offices The Photocopier Is Out Of Order Every Now And Then
Top 6 Smartass Answers
During Thanksgiving Little Johnny S Parents Were Having Friends And Family Over
If The Dove Is The Bird Of Peace What Is The Bird Of True Love
What Did The Mexican Say When The House Fell On Him
Bubba Died In A Fire In His Trailer
What Do Gay Termites Eat
Why Is It So Difficult To Find Men Who Are Caring Sensitive And Good-looking
The Election Is Over The Results Are Well Known
How Dumb Can You Get
How Many Arkansas Policemen Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb
For People Who Like Peace And Quiet
Hi Need To Talk To You Asap
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How Do You Catch A Polor Bear
Plz Tell Me Why U R So Dumb
Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill To Smoke Some Marijuana
A Woman Goes Into A Restaurant In A Small Town Out In The Country
Yo Mama So Dumb She Climbed
What Do U Call A Chicken In A Shell
Two Pretzels Walk Into A Bar
Your Dick Is So Small
Mouse Balls Available As Field Replacement Unit
Why Is It Called The Wonder Bra
A Defense Attorney Was Cross-examining A Police Officer During A Felony Trial
Yo Mama So Dumb She Got Locked In A Super Market
Yo Mama Is Like An Old Car Shes
3 Cowboys Sitting Around A Campfire
Yo Mama Is So Stupid She Got Ran Over
Why Did The Belt Get Locked Up
If You Make Change In The Offering
What Do Tofu And A Dildo Have In Common
Two Texans Were Seated At The End Of A Bar When A Gorgeous Young Lady Sits Down
The Following Is A True Story And This Situation Supposedly Occurred In A Real Courtroom
Top Funny Jokes:
One-Liner Top 5:
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.