Various Jokes * 21 Funny Various Jokes

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Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" New employee: "Yes, sir." Boss: "We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"

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In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. 'The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You!'

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!"

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What do you call a person who can sit on an ice cream and tell the flavor? A smartass!

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What do a hockey player and a magician have in common? Hat tricks.

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I"ll tell you later.

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A Funny Story. There are many wise and foolish men. Like this guy named Billy. Someone had an appointment with him yet when the person arrived, Billy was no where to be found. Infuriated, the person picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on Billy's door "STUPID OAF" and went home. Later Billy returned home and saw what was written on his door. He immediately rushed to the persons house and said "I'm sorry I forgot I had an appointment today. I remembered the second I got home and saw your name on my door."

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One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away." The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

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What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? virgin megastore

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Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, "If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way." So all the guys said, "Ok" Then St Peter said, "But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels." Then St Peter asked the first guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And the guy said, "Yes, but only 2." So he got a small compact car. St Peter asked the second guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "Yes but only once." So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car. Then St peter asked the last guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" And he said, "No never!" So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy. The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, "What's wrong?" And he said, "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"

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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

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One day a little girl was sitting at the breakfast table with her mother. The little girl said "Mom how come you have grey hairs?" "Well sweety, i have gray hairs because everytime you are bad ar do something one of my hairs turn gray," replied her mom. The little girl thaught for a while and then said, "How come Gramdmom has so manny gray hairs?"

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Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him. Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was, "Score! Score! Score!" But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the Chalupa!"

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A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

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What do u call 100 nuns in a shop? A virgin mega store!

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Hey had two parrots. A cussing one, and a holy one. Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white. The priest usually use to carry white one to church. So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white. So good one was bad and bad one was good. So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church. The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above. The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up. But it happen by chance one extra man came. So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man. The parrot dropped a bread. Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, "EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop", and shits in priest face. Then parrot says, "You give me fucking extra bread!" Then flies out the church!

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You think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!

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A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.

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Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning." "It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke." "I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her." The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside. "?5 of 4-Star, please." she says.

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One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "this is very important." "Glad to help," she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

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More Funny Various Jokes:

What Is 40 Feet Long And Smells Like Urine
You Are Given 5 Bags
A Missionary Who Had Spent Years Showing A Tribe Of Natives How To Farm
What Did The Fish Say When He Swam Into The Wall
An Asian Man Walked Into The Currency Exchange In New York With 2000 Japanese Yen And Walked Out With 72 Dollars
What Do Parsley And Pubic Hair Have In Common
I Believe Men And Fish Can Coexist Together Peacefully
Drive Thru Fun
Your So Ugly That When You Looked
Boy Excuse Me Youv Got Something On Your Assgirl What Is It
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2013 When
If I Cut Off My Right Butt-cheek
A Truck Driver Stopped At A Truck Stop For Breakfast The Waitress Who Was New On The Job Came Over To Take His Order
Why Dont They Hire Mexicans For Nasa
Salary Theorem States That Engineers And Scientists Can Never Earn As Much As Business Executives And Sales People
May A Weird Customs Inspector Discover A
Why Did The Mouse Go To The Party
A Robber Broke Into A Woman S House And The Woman Saw Him
Strange City Names From Around The World
What Do A Hockey Player And A Magician Have In Common
In The Convent A Young Nun Went To See The Mother Superior
What Does McDonalds And MJ Have In Common
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
My friend was cold so I told her
What Do Hillbilly Chicks And Polar Bears Have In Common
I Am Writing In Response To Your Request For Additional Information For Block Number 3 Of The Accident Reporting Form
Kids Books That Didn't Make The Cut
A Cowboy Was Riding Through An Old Abandoned Canyon Trail When He Was Captured
A Physician Claimed That The Following Are Actual Comments Made By His Patients
One Day A Father And Son Are Sitting On A Dock Fishing
There Were Three Priests In A Railroad Station All Wanting To Go Home To Pittsburgh
Recalled Christmas Toys
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
What Do You Call 20 French Politicians Face Down In The Channel
A Pirate Went Into A Restaurant With A Steering Wheel In His Pants And Sits Down At A Table
I The Penis Hereby Request A Raise In Salary For The Following Reasons
Moses And Jesus Were In A Threesome Playing Golf One Day
Valentines Day Is Here Again And With It The Perfect Opportunity For Marketing Departments
Good Girls Loosen A Few Buttons When It's Hot
Where Did You Get Those Zacklies
Tarzan Had Been Living Alone In His Jungle Kingdom For 30 Years With Only Apes For Company
Why Do Midgets Laugh When They Play Football
WHO IS JACK SCHITTT
A Chinese Couple Had A New Baby
This Is An Actual Account By A Worker At A Technical Support And Service Center
There Is An English Man Irish Man N Scottish Man
How Does A Mathematician Stop Constipation
I just left my job
Do You Know How We Can Get Osama Bin Laden
There Was A Party That Many Rich People Attended


One-Liner Top 5:

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.