This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk screams at the duck, 'You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes.
I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!
I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!'
The duck left, and returned the next day.
This time he asked, 'Do you have any nails?'
The clerk replied, 'No,'
and the duck said, 'Good!
Got any grapes?'
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them all a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI now goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon.
The raccoon is yelling, 'Okay, Okay!
I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!'
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
'Hey there,' he says.
'I bet I can make your horse talk.'
'Horses don't talk' says the farmer.
'We'll see,' says the ventriloquist.
He turns to the horse and asks, 'So how does your master treat you?'
'Pretty well,' says the horse.
'He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.'
'I bet I can make the dog talk, too,' says the ventriloquist.
'Dog's don't talk' says the farmer.
'How about you?' the ventriloquist asks the dog.
'Is he good to you too?'
'Yup,' says the dog.
'We play fetch.'
'Let's see what the sheep has to say,' says the ventriloquist.
'Wait!' yells the farmer 'That sheep is a fuckin' liar!'
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
One day a man decided to drive his motorcycle at full speed down an empty street.
He was going really fast when all of a sudden a bird flies in front of him and they both crash.
The motorcycle driver notices that he accidentally knocked out the bird so he decided to take care of it.
When he got home he put it in a silver cage.
Hours later the bird wakes up and notices the bars in front of him and gasps in horror, 'I KILLED HIM!'
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven.
Greeting him the Lord says, 'You've lived a good life.
If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.'
The cat thinks for a minute and says 'Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...'
The Lord stops the cat and says 'Say no more!'
Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven.
The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer: 'All of our lives we've been chased.
We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom.
We're tired of running...'
'Say no more!'
The Lord replies.
In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away.
He gently wakes the cat and asks, 'How are things since you got here?'
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies 'Oh, it is wonderful here.
I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!'
A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot.
The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, 'He has a card up his sleeve'
or 'He has a dove in his pocket.'
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat.
For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other.
Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, 'Okay, I give up.
What did you do with the ship?'
There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, 'Mmmm, I smell sausage!'
Mama mole poked her head outside the hole and said, 'Mmmm, I smell pancakes!'
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, 'The only thing I smell is molasses!'
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, 'Mom am I a real polar bear?'
'Of course you are.'
His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father.
'Dad, am I a real polar bear?'
'Yes, you are a real polar bear.'
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, 'Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?'
said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, 'Are all my relatives real polar bears?'
'Yes, they are all real polar bears.'
Said his parents.
'Why do you ask?'
replied his mother.
said the young polar bear,'I'm freezing!
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
she chirped, 'I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.'