One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven.
Greeting him the Lord says, 'You've lived a good life.
If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.'
The cat thinks for a minute and says 'Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...'
The Lord stops the cat and says 'Say no more!'
Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven.
The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer: 'All of our lives we've been chased.
We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom.
We're tired of running...'
'Say no more!'
The Lord replies.
In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away.
He gently wakes the cat and asks, 'How are things since you got here?'
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies 'Oh, it is wonderful here.
I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!'
A bear and a rabbit was taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turned to the rabbit and asked,'do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur'?
And the rabbit responed 'no'.
So the bear whipped his ass with the rabbit.
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day.
On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived.
The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by.
They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants.
They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong.
Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all.
When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, 'Straight, straight, curly.'
The Chicken and the Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!'
So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.'
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
'Hey there,' he says.
'I bet I can make your horse talk.'
'Horses don't talk' says the farmer.
'We'll see,' says the ventriloquist.
He turns to the horse and asks, 'So how does your master treat you?'
'Pretty well,' says the horse.
'He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.'
'I bet I can make the dog talk, too,' says the ventriloquist.
'Dog's don't talk' says the farmer.
'How about you?' the ventriloquist asks the dog.
'Is he good to you too?'
'Yup,' says the dog.
'We play fetch.'
'Let's see what the sheep has to say,' says the ventriloquist.
'Wait!' yells the farmer 'That sheep is a fuckin' liar!'
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys: All on different levels, some climbing up.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes!
SO...the elephant said 2 the camel 'Why do u have 2 boobs on ur back?'
the camel replies'thats a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on their face'
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
Here was a priest he trained his horse to respond when he said (praise the lord and hallejuelah) praise the lord ment- Stop Hallejulah ment- GO so it happen a day the priest was ridin his horse and it got out of controlled and it was runnings into a dead end or (cliff)and he was panicking and tried stop horse but could not remember wats word he used to stop the horse so he was stammering other words like stop etc.
suddenly he remembered just before the horse could run off the cliff .HE Shouted PRAIZSE THE LORD and the horse stoped with amazement.
then HE SAID HALLEJUEhah.
One day a man decided to drive his motorcycle at full speed down an empty street.
He was going really fast when all of a sudden a bird flies in front of him and they both crash.
The motorcycle driver notices that he accidentally knocked out the bird so he decided to take care of it.
When he got home he put it in a silver cage.
Hours later the bird wakes up and notices the bars in front of him and gasps in horror, 'I KILLED HIM!'