Animal Jokes
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Animal Jokes

This page contains 10 Animal Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Animal Jokes first.

SO...the elephant said 2 the camel 'Why do u have 2 boobs on ur back?'
the camel replies'thats a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on their face'

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven.
Greeting him the Lord says, 'You've lived a good life.
If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.'
The cat thinks for a minute and says 'Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...'
The Lord stops the cat and says 'Say no more!'
Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven.
The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer: 'All of our lives we've been chased.
We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom.
We're tired of running...'
'Say no more!'
The Lord replies.
In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away.
He gently wakes the cat and asks, 'How are things since you got here?'
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies 'Oh, it is wonderful here.
I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!'

There were three roasters.
A normal one, a backwards one and a guy one.
The normal one says cockle doodle do.
the backwards one says doodle doodle cock.
and the gay one says any cock will do

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them all a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI now goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon.
The raccoon is yelling, 'Okay, Okay!
I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!'

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot.
The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, 'He has a card up his sleeve'
or 'He has a dove in his pocket.'
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat.
For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other.
Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, 'Okay, I give up.
What did you do with the ship?'

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks 'Do you have any grapes?'
The clerk screams at the duck, 'You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes.
I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!
I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!'
The duck left, and returned the next day.
This time he asked, 'Do you have any nails?'
The clerk replied, 'No,'
and the duck said, 'Good!
Got any grapes?'

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth.
The first bat says enviously, 'Where did you get all that blood from?'
The second bat replies, 'Follow me.
I`ll show you.'
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave.
He says, 'You see that wall over there?'
The hungry bat excitedly says, 'Yes!'
Other bat says, 'I didn't.'

There was once a rabbit and a bear who didnt like each other.
One day, they found a gini lamp, The gini said he would give them each 3 wishes.
The bear went first, he said, 'I wish to be the only male bear in this forest, and all the rest are female.'
and he got his wish.
Then the Rabbit went, he said 'I want a motorcycle'
and he very well got his wish too.
Then the bear went again, he said 'I wish to be the only male bear in the US, and all the rest are female, and he got his wish, Then the Rabbit went, 'I wish for a helmet to go with my motorcycle.
Of course, he got his wish.
It was their last wish, the bear wished to be the only male bear in the whole world and all the rest are female.
The the rabbit took its final wish, he said, 'I wish that bear is gay'

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.
The rooster disappeared under the car.
A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell.
A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, 'I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.'
'Suit yourself,'
the farmer replied, 'you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.'

What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog!

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