Bar Jokes
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Bar Jokes

This page contains 10 Bar Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Bar Jokes first.

A slightly drunk man walks up to the bartender and says 'hey thats a funny looking bird'
the bartender replies 'thats a dodo bird'
the bartender places a nut on the bar table and says 'dodo bird nut'
the bird flies over and ripes the nut to shreds he then places his shoe on the table and says 'dodo bird my shoe'
the bird flies over and ripes the shoe to shreds.
then a man walks up to the counter and says 'thats the ugliest bird i have ever seen'
the bartender replies 'thats a dodo bird watch your mouth'
'dodo bird'
the man replies 'dodo bird my DICk'!!

There were three men in a bar.
All three were sitting at the bar and one got up to use the bathroom.
The other two men started talking.
One man said, 'So what's new in your life?'
The other responded, 'Well I just found out my son got a promotion.
He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive.
On top of that there's someone special in his life.
He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus.'
The other man says, 'My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down.
He bought his new love a new house on the beach.'
The third man comes back from the bathroom.
He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him.
He responded, 'I just found out that my son is gay.
The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach.'

Forgetful fellow A man walks into a bar with his wife.
His wife sits down while he orders a drink and a friend of his asks him where he's been.
'on holiday.'
he replies.
'whereabouts on holiday?'
his friend asks.
'some little village on the coast.'
'whats it called?'
'I forget.
Whats the name of that plant that grows up the side of houses?'
'ivy.'
'Thats it,'
he says, 'Ivy, whats the name of that village we stayed in in Spain?'

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store.
He sits down at the bar and orders a beer.
The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says 'Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!
GET OUT NOW!'
so the man picks up the monkey nad leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash.
The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says '
Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?'
The man says 'Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size'

Guy walks into a bar and this man is playing the most wonderful piano he had ever heard.
The place was packed no seat in the place.
Guy asks the manager if he could talk to him.
He replies go ahead he never stops playing.
So he goes up and tells him he wants to manage him take him to broadway and all over New York.
The man says he has already been there and they threw him out.
How is that possible?
They dont like my titles.
He asks what do you call this little piece of heaven?
This one I call 'I love you so f--kin much I could sh-t.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, 'So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?'
The pirate replies, 'We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.'
'Wow!' said the seaman.
'What about your hook'?
'Well', replied the pirate, 'We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off.'
'Incredible!'
remarked the seaman.
'How did you get the eye patch'?
'A seagull dropping fell into my eye,'
replied the pirate.
'You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,'
the sailor asked incredulously.
'Well,' said the pirate, 'it was my first day with my hook'

A solution to all of your drinking troubles  Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste;
shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste;
beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.
If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet.
You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini.
Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue.
(obviously in serious respiratory distress).
One said to the other, 'That gal is having a bad time!'
The other agreed and said, 'Do you think we should go help?'
'You bet!' said the first, and with that he ran over and said, 'Can you speak?'
She shook her head no.
He then asked, 'Can you breath?'
She again shook her head no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief.
At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, 'I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!'

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, 'Dang, why are you drinking so fast?'
The guy says, 'You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.'
The bartender says, 'What do you have?'
The guy says, '75 cents.'

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar.
The Bartender asked the pirate 'Where did ya get that peg leg from?'
The Pirate responded 'We were sailing the seas when a big ol shark came up to me while I was swimmin and bit off me leg.'
Later the Bartender asked 'Where did you get that hook then?'
The pirate responded 'Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone.'
The bartender then asked 'Then where did ya get the eye patch from?'
The pirate said 'In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye.'
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, 'How would that make you get an eye patch?'
The pirate responded, 'First day with the hook.'




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