Bar Jokes
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Bar Jokes

This page contains 10 Bar Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Bar Jokes first.

Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a crown and coke.The bartender brings him an apple.The man says:I want a crown and coke,not a fucking apple.The bartender says take a bite.He takes a bite and says that tastes just like crown.the bartender says turn it over and take another bite.
He takes another bite and he says that tastes just like coke.
So he orders a few more and leaves.The next night he returns back to the same bar.He orders a crown and coke and the bartender says I have a something you might enjoy.I can make you something that tastes just like pussy.He says hell,I will have one of those.The bartender brings him an apple and tells him to take a bite.The man took a bite,then he spit it out and says:Gross!That tastes like shit!The bartender says: Turn it over!

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Powell and Rumsfeld?'
The barkeep says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So, the guy walks over to the two and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'
Rumsfeld says, 'We're planning World War III.Q.'
To which the guy replies, 'Really?
What's going to happen?'
Rumsfeld says, 'Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.'
And the guy exclaims, 'Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!'
With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, 'See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!'

Two men are sitting around drinking.
One guys says to the other, 'I bet I could gross you out right now'
The other guy says, 'No way you could gross me out, whatever you do I could top'
So the first guy looks at the second guy and sticks his fingers down his throat and vomits all over the table.
The second guy looks at him and says '
Nice Try ', and pulls out a straw....

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like.
The first vampire responds, 'I vould like some blood.'
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds, 'I vould like some blood.'
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds, 'I vould like some plasma.'
The waitress looks up and says, 'Let me see if I have this order correct.
You want two bloods and a blood light?'

3 guys were in a bar and flies flew into their drinks.
The first fished it out and stopped drinking.
The second took it out and continued drinking as if nothing had happened.
The third screamed at the fly 'Spit it out, you bastard!'

There were three men at a bar.
One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men.
The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, 'Where do you work?'
The man said, 'Here and there.'
The judge asked the man, 'What do you do for a living?'
The man said, 'This and that.'
The judge then said, 'Take him away.'
The man said, 'Wait, judge when will I get out?'
The judge said to the man, 'Sooner or later.'

Roy walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the 'same'
bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - 'MAAAN!
How many bars do you work at!?!?!'

One day a guy walks into a bar.
The bartender says, 'If you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night'
So he says, 'Ok!'
And walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says, 'If you can make that horse over there cry I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.'
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks.
Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says, 'To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him'

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar.
He sees a lamp at the end of the table.
He walks down to it and rubs it.
Out pops a genie.
It says, 'I will give you three wishes.'
The man thinks awhile.
Finally he says, 'I want a beer that never is empty.'
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.
The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.
The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, 'I want two more of these.'




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