Show me a piano falling down a shaft and I will show you A-flat Minor
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father.
While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, 'Why are you doing that?
I mean, at his age what will it do for him?'
The nurse explains, 'The hot chocolate will help him sleep.'
The man says, 'And the Viagra?'
'Keeps him from falling out of bed.'
What is the difference between a woman a pool table?
On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays out.
I went to the store the other day.
I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a stupid idiot.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner!
There was a tribe of Indians and a kid went to the chief and they were talking about stuff.
Then the kid asked the chief, 'Where do our names came from?'
The chief said, 'The woman that gave birth to you names you'
'What she sees when she has you'
'Why do you ask? TWO DOGS FUCKING'
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
'Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?'
'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm', she said.
Then he asked, 'Why is my sister named Cornflower?'
'Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her', she replied.
He then asked, 'And why is my other sister called Moonchild?'
'We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived', the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son, 'Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?'
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, 'This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'
The actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
'You bloody fool!'
he cried, 'You have ruined me!'
The actor was bewildered, 'What happened, did I forget my line?'
screamed the director.
'You forgot the rose!'
Strange city names from around the world Bastard- Norway Brown Willy- cornwall, UK Climax- Michigan Cunt- Spain Dikshit- India Dildo- Newfoundland, Canada Dong Rack- Thailand Fukum- Yemen Hell- Michigan Hold With Hope- Greenland Intercourse- Pensylvania, US Little Dix Village, West Indies Pis Pis River- Nicaragua Shag Island- Indian Ocean Tittybong- Australia Tong Fuk- Japan Wank- Germany Wet Beaver Creek- Australia
A minister told his congregation, 'Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.'
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, 'Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.'
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, 'The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall.
You show him where it is.'
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives.
Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, 'This is the one, right here.'
The man says, 'How do you know?'
Amy says, 'By the nail over its stall.'
The man says, 'What's the nail for?'
Amy says, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'