Clean Jokes
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Clean Jokes

This page contains 10 Clean Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Clean Jokes first.

Thank You!

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
'You used to sit closer to me,' said the woman.
So the man moved closer.
'You used to put your arm around me.'
So the man put his arm around her.
'You used to nibble on my ear.'
'Let me get my teeth.'


One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face.
The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
'Yes!' he says looking and sounding relieved, 'this is very important.'
'Glad to help,' she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper.
Then her boss says, 'Thanks, I only need one copy.'


In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then.
One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees.
Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
'The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank You!'


A man being mugged by two thugs puts up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, 'Why did you put up such a fight?'
To which the man promptly replied, 'I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!'


An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of 'Executives'
was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that 'too many people were steering and not enough rowing.'
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to '4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager'
and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer.
'We must give him empowerment and enrichment.'
That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.


A young man called directory assistance.
'Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.'
'There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,'
the operator replied.
'Do you have a street name?'
The young man hesitated, and then said, 'Well, most people call me Ice Man.'


'Salary Theorem' states that 'Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.'
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:  Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money
It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.


Elevator magic
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City.
One day, the father took his son into a large building.
They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, 'What's this, Paw?'
The father responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is!'
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, 'Go get your maw!'


Over the past several months, my company has shorted my paychecks several times, anywhere from $75 to $300.
Each time this has happened, the payroll department made me wait two weeks before they corrected the error.
Last payday the situation reversed.
Everyone with direct deposit was paid twice.
I quickly withdrew every dollar from my bank account before the mistake could be corrected.
When payroll called about the mistake, I grinned from ear to ear.
I said, 'Yes, I noticed the mistake.
I will correct it in two weeks!'


Somebody recent vandalized the local nudist camp.
They put a hole in the wall, and the police are currently looking into it!


 



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