At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive industry by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2: Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3: Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason.
In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again.
For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4: Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5: Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car8"
or "Car10", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6: The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7: You would press the "start"
button to shut off the engine.
8: The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error"
9: The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure"
before going off.
10: Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11: The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12: Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them.
Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13: Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14: Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name.
It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks.
Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.
Their domain name?
wait for it?
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen?
Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist?
Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company?
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church.
Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?
Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door.
But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
My computer is like Britney Spears;
cheap, white and plastic!
After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated ’If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal.’ Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement ’Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?’ and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft: 1.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine.
For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought ’Car8’ or ’Car10’.
But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Apple car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ’general car fault’ warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say ’are you sure?’ before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,"
boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour."
Bill Gates continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great"
When asked to define "great"
he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk.
Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap.
When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even.
This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.
diskettes may be folded and used in "little"
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.
The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine.
If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing.
Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung"
If your system is "hooking"
you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes.
This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage.
Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket.
This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand.
Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
(see item 2 above) 10.
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents.
The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document.
Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
What is the difference between sex and computers?
With computers, the software goes into the hardware.
With sex, the hardware goes into the software!