Computer Jokes
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Computer Jokes

This page contains 10 Computer Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Computer Jokes first.

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

How to shoot yourself in the foot Which language is right for you?
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot.
Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBASE: You buy a gun.
Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them.
Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes.
You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.
Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs.
Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
'Is it true Mr.
(Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?'
she asked.
'Yeth.'
lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered, 'Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.'

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a 'great'
writer.
When asked to define 'great'
he said: 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages!

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
'Well', she said, 'the first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.
The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.
The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.'

Error codes in Windows ?
WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger ?
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet ?
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file ?
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong ?
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused ?
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive ?
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware ?
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments ?
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened ?
WinErr 00Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full ?
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB ?
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed.
More!
More!
?
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside ?
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside ?
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened ?
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers ?
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside ?
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside ?
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
?
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed.
Buy new one.
?
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault.
Is Not!
Is Not!
?
WinErr 01OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
?
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
?
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
?
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
?
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And wait.
?
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
?
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
?
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
The virus, however, requires Windows.
All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
?
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
?
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
?
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game?
?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
?
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
?
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today.
Old license void.
Windows has been deleted.

The difference between computers and people?
With computers, software goes into hardware!

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about: 'men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.'

Computer Diagnosis Diagnostic Computer Jeff woke up one morning with a really swollen wrist.
'Don't go to the doctor'
his friend told him, 'there's a machine at the drug store that can tell you the problem faster.
Give it a urine sample and it'll tell you the problem.'
Jeff gave it a try so he went to the drug store with the urine sample.
He gave it the sample and after a brief pause a paper slip fell out: Your wrist is inflamed.
Avoid heavy lifting.
Cool it with ice.
It will be better in one week.
Late that evening Jeff thought how he could fool the machine.
He stirred together urine samples from his dog, wife and daughter.
To top it off, he jerked off into the sample cup.
He went back to the store, walked up to the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
After a brief pause it churned out another slip of paper: Your dog has worms, get him to a vet.
Your daughter is using meth, put her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
And stop jacking off!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define 'great'
he said, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.




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