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Computer Jokes

This page contains 10 Computer Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Computer Jokes first.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.'
The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door.
But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'

Redneck Computer Terms BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BYTE - What you pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What you did when the grass and weeds got too tall NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous
10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing 'com' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile.: )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive;
with NO memory The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back!
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Ellen DeGeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files Last but not least: The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy...
then discards it through Windows...

Who is the daddy?
Google of course!

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?'
in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
'I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.'

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive industry by stating: 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: 'If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2: Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3: Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason.
In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again.
For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4: Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5: Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought 'Car8'
or 'Car10', but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6: The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7: You would press the 'start'
button to shut off the engine.
8: The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single 'Unidentified System Error'
light.
9: The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body 'are you sure'
before going off.
10: Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11: The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12: Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them.
Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13: Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14: Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.'

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts: 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Proof that bill gates is the antichrist
Conversion to ASCII values:
MS-DOS 6.
21 77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666
WINDOWS95 87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666
SYSTEM 7.
0 83 89 83 84 69 77 32 55 46 48 = 666
Coincidence?
I think not!
The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.Q.
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following: B 66 I 73 L 76 L 76 G 71 A 65 T 84 E 69 S 83 3 ------- 666!

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