Corny Jokes

This page contains 10 Corny Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Corny Jokes first.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A Dry Martinez!

Dr. Suess
Read each of the following lines out loud.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already!

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.
On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.
The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff 'miss'
him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, 'Without you, the company will never be the same,'
'We will always remember you,'
etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied.
'I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know.
Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years.
You are my best staff.
I am retiring now.
What do you have to say?'
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, 'THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS.'

A few children's books that didn't make the cut: 1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, 'Say, why did the foreman fire you?'
Replied the second, 'Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work.
My foreman got jealous.
People started thinking I was the foreman.'

Mirror Image
I was on the plane and this bloke sat next to me who looked just like me.
I said 'What's your name?'
He said 'Tom Taylor.'
I was beside myself.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night.
You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;
or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.'
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds.
That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
The following are this year's candidates: �1.
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.
This occurred while Ms.
Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
2.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle.
The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3.
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.
4.
A.
Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a!
after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone).
The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
5.
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.
He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation, and Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
6.
A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.
Robertson's son.
7.
This year's favorite could easily be Mr.
Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mr.
Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee.
Not surprisingly, the R.V.
left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mr.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.
The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video.
He found it to be a great but complicated job.
One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card.
So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80.
He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.
Unfortunately when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.
That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short.
The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.
And the moral to this story is: 'Guys get in trouble over missed periods!'

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