Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" Dad: "No, just leave it in the carton!"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I'm half left."
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
Grocery store checker: "Paper or plastic?" Dad: "Either, I'm bisacktual."
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.