"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."