"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.