It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.