Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.