Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.