If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."