I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.