It was Christmas evening, and little Timmy with his sisters couldn't wait the next morning, when presents are opened.
Finally mom got 'em into bed and started to arrange packets.
Next morning everyone rushed downstairs and started to open presents.
Little Timmy was confused, he didn't see any packets with his name on it, but his sisters got many.
Finally he asked from his mother, 'Why I don't have any presents?'
'Because you have cancer'
When do you know when a picnic turns Gay?
When the hot dogs taste like shit!
What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?
A cancelled Czech!
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
If you have to chew before you swallow!
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
Look for sesame seed buns!
There are three brothers.
The first one likes to cut stuff.
The second loved to paint things green.
The third one just loved to eat pickles so much.
One day, The first dude accidentally cut his penis.
The second dude found it and painted it green and left it o the floor.
The last dude saw it and ate it.
He said it was really juicy and crunchy!
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - 'Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?'
Aghast, the man said, 'are you NUTS?, that's robbery!'
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - 'Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - 'you must be crazy pal, now go away!'
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy - 'Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much'.
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite;
suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: 'HEY,' he snarled, 'this brownie tastes like crap!'
'It is,' replied the salesman. 'Wanna buy some mouthwash?'
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car?
It depends on how big your ashtray is!
A grown man decided one day to go to a nude beach for a full body tan.
While he was laying on the sand a little girl full dressed asked, 'What is that?'
Pointing directly at his penis.
He replied, 'That is my little birdie.'
And she responded politely, 'May I play with your little birdie?'
he replied with a chuckle.
Then the little girl wandered off, as he began to fall asleep.
A few hours later he woke up in a Hospital.
'Why am I here here, what happened?'
he asked curiously.
Then he noticed the little girl was standing next to him and she simply replied: 'I got bored so I came back and played with your little birdie, but then it spat at me so I broke your birdies neck, cracked its eggs, and burned its nest.'
The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill.
She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet and thought for a minute.
Then the banker in me took over.
I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks and went home!