Enemy ship it's 1841.'captain 1 ship on the horizon'.'assitant bring me my red shirt'.the battle goes on and they lose no allys.'captian you told me to bring u a red shirt.why'.Because if i was bleeding and happended to be shot the sailors wouldn't have noticed and continued to fight on.'wow thats cool'.captian 20 ships on the horizion.assitaint bring me my brown pants
Theres a boy named Jhonne and his mom is always in the bed with kids so he asked her one day did you do it with max and she said no no way then Jhonne said are you sure because in the changeroom today his dick looked like a rainbow and you sure where alot of lipstick
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it!
He said, 'What's wrong with you?
We're being boiled alive!
They're gonna eat us!
What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'
The other missionary replied, 'I just peed in the soup!'
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too!'
Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Fred fell in the mud!
Wanna hear a clean one?
He had a shower!
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, 'He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.'
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted.
And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, 'Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!
Two statues are in a perk for over thirty years and all day long they just look at each others naked bodies.
One day an angel comes down and grants them life for 30 minutes.
The two statues look at each other and the woman statue says 'should we'
the man replies 'Yes'.
They then both run off in to the bushes where there is a lot of giggling going on.
The angel gives a cheeky smile as she knows what they are up to.
After fifteen minutes the statues return with a cheeky smile on their faces.
The angel says to them 'You still have fifteen minutes left'
So the man says to the woman 'want to do it again?'
the woman replies 'Yes, But this time you hold the birds head while i shit on it.'
Johnny and Rebecca were walking down the road and when all of a sudden he sees a 20 dollar bill and tells Rebecca, 'Who's is it, mine or yours?'
So she says, 'Mine.'
Then they make a left and see a 50 dollar bill and he says to her, 'Who's it, mine or yours?'
Now they are almost at the store and there is a dick in her mouth, he says, 'Who's is it?'
Then Rebecca says, 'YOURS, YOURS, OH YOURS!'
Two tampons were crossing the street.
They see a friend.
Which one waves?
Neither, they are both stuck up cunts!
A guy named Ivan lives in Russia.
He is walking along the road one day and he finds a magic lamp.
Ivan rubs the magic lamp and a genie pops out.
the genie says 'ok Ivan you get one wish!'
Ivan says I wish for every time I piss it is vodka.
The genie says 'ok granted.'
Ivan runs home to to his wife and says 'hey Natasha get 2 glasses'.
He takes the 2 glasses and pisses in both.
he says 'here try it my piss is vodka.'
Natasha tries some and says 'holy smokes your piss is vodka'.
Next night Ivan comes home and says 'hey Natasha go get 1 glass.
Natasha says 'how come only 1 glass?'
Ivan says 'tonight I drink from the glass and you drink from the bottle.'