What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home.
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
If you have to chew before you swallow!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
'I have just the thing'
says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
'Just place this between your cheek and gum.'
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, 'And what if I swallow it?'
'No problem', says the barber, 'just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!'
What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?
A cancelled Czech!
A trucker was driving down the road when he saw two men standing there trying to hitch a ride.
They looked okay and the trucker was an reasonable guy, so he picked them up.
Later on down the road they started talking and the trucker could tell that these two men were gay.
The gay guy on the the right lets loose with a large, silent fart.
A few minutes later, the other gay guy farted to, which was also silent.
About four minutes later, the trucker farted himself, loudly.
The gay men started laughing and calling the trucker a virgin.
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
Look for sesame seed buns!
There are three brothers.
The first one likes to cut stuff.
The second loved to paint things green.
The third one just loved to eat pickles so much.
One day, The first dude accidentally cut his penis.
The second dude found it and painted it green and left it o the floor.
The last dude saw it and ate it.
He said it was really juicy and crunchy!
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - 'Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?'
Aghast, the man said, 'are you NUTS?, that's robbery!'
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - 'Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - 'you must be crazy pal, now go away!'
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy - 'Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much'.
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite;
suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: 'HEY,' he snarled, 'this brownie tastes like crap!'
'It is,' replied the salesman. 'Wanna buy some mouthwash?'
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car?
It depends on how big your ashtray is!
Why is 88 better than 69?
Because you get ate twice!