The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
the mother lectured him, 'that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.'
'Oh really?' said the lifeguard, 'from the diving board!?!?'
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - 'Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?'
Aghast, the man said, 'are you NUTS?, that's robbery!'
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - 'Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - 'you must be crazy pal, now go away!'
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy - 'Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much'.
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite;
suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: 'HEY,' he snarled, 'this brownie tastes like crap!'
'It is,' replied the salesman. 'Wanna buy some mouthwash?'
The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill.
She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet and thought for a minute.
Then the banker in me took over.
I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks and went home!
A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and says: 'I want a turkey on my right hip.'
So the guy says, 'Ok.'
Does it and then she leaves.
A couple of weeks later she comes back and says: 'I want Santa Clause on my left hip.'
And the man says, 'Ok.'
Does it, while she was getting her money out, he says, 'Can I ask you why you are doing this?'
And she says, 'So my husband will have something to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas!'
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car?
It depends on how big your ashtray is!
Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?
A grown man decided one day to go to a nude beach for a full body tan.
While he was laying on the sand a little girl full dressed asked, 'What is that?'
Pointing directly at his penis.
He replied, 'That is my little birdie.'
And she responded politely, 'May I play with your little birdie?'
he replied with a chuckle.
Then the little girl wandered off, as he began to fall asleep.
A few hours later he woke up in a Hospital.
'Why am I here here, what happened?'
he asked curiously.
Then he noticed the little girl was standing next to him and she simply replied: 'I got bored so I came back and played with your little birdie, but then it spat at me so I broke your birdies neck, cracked its eggs, and burned its nest.'
While setting at my computer a commercial came on about a feminine product.
The lady said if I have a feminine itch with an odor what do I do?
I said to my wife, what did she do scratch and sniff?
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
'I have just the thing'
says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
'Just place this between your cheek and gum.'
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, 'And what if I swallow it?'
'No problem', says the barber, 'just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!'
A trucker was driving down the road when he saw two men standing there trying to hitch a ride.
They looked okay and the trucker was an reasonable guy, so he picked them up.
Later on down the road they started talking and the trucker could tell that these two men were gay.
The gay guy on the the right lets loose with a large, silent fart.
A few minutes later, the other gay guy farted to, which was also silent.
About four minutes later, the trucker farted himself, loudly.
The gay men started laughing and calling the trucker a virgin.