Bush Plans WW3 A guy walks in and asks the bartender, 'Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?'
Bush says, 'We're planning WWIII.'
And the guy says, 'Really?
What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one librarian.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A librarian!
Why kill a librarian?'
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, 'See, dummy!
I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!'
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady.
A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her 'Do you by any chance have today's paper?'
The lady looked at him and said, 'No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves.'
Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?
Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too!'
The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill.
She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet and thought for a minute.
Then the banker in me took over.
I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks and went home!
Their was this kid that always got picked on at school.
Everyday his friends and kids that went to school always said to him, 'F**k you.'
Well the dumb kid always was curious about what the word f**k means.
One day he got real sad and wanted to know what it meant, so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father.
He yelled, 'Pah!'
And then his pa came out and asked, 'What hell you want boy?'
The boy said, 'Pah, what does f**k mean?'
And then his pah said, 'Son I think it's time you knew what f**k mean.'
Pah then yelled out, 'Mah, get down here, son wants to know what f**k mean.'
Mah comes down stairs, pah says, 'Mah take off your clothes and get in your position.'
He turns to his son and says, 'Son you see that pink spot on mah?
Uh huh watch your pah go to work!'
Then the boys sister came in the door and says, 'What are they doing?'
The boy turns his head and with a smile he says, 'They fuckin.'
Sister says, 'What does f**k mean?'
'WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH uh huh WATCH YOUR BROTHER GO TO WORK!'
This little girl sees her dad naked in the shower and says 'daddy whats that'
he replies 'erm thats my bird'
she says '
what are they next to it'
he replies 'there its eggs'
and then she says 'what are they sitting on'
then the man says 'thats its nest'
The next he wakes up and he screams his daughter runs in and she says '
last night i stroked your bird and it spat at me so i snapped the birds neck cracked is eggs and burnt its nest'
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A. The girl who can eat the last donut.
One day a man walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that he wanted a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist told him if he could give him three reasons why he wanted the tattoo he would give it to him.
The man says, 'Well, for one, I like to play with my money, two, I like to watch it grow, and three, if my wife wants to blow 100 dollars again, she doesn't have to go to the mall!'