Dirty Jokes
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Dirty Jokes

This page contains 10 Dirty Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Dirty Jokes first.

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A cucumber, a pickle & a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The cucumber says 'my life sucks, when i get big fat and juicy, they cut me up and toss me into a salad'... The pickle says 'when i get big fat and juicy they cover me in vinegar and throw me in a jar'... The penis says 'U think thats bad... when i get big fat and juicy they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark damp room and bang my head against the wall til i throw up and pass out!'


Two statues are in a perk for over thirty years and all day long they just look at each others naked bodies.
One day an angel comes down and grants them life for 30 minutes.
The two statues look at each other and the woman statue says 'should we'
the man replies 'Yes'.
They then both run off in to the bushes where there is a lot of giggling going on.
The angel gives a cheeky smile as she knows what they are up to.
After fifteen minutes the statues return with a cheeky smile on their faces.
The angel says to them 'You still have fifteen minutes left'
So the man says to the woman 'want to do it again?'
the woman replies 'Yes, But this time you hold the birds head while i shit on it.'


Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Fred fell in the mud!
Wanna hear a clean one?
He had a shower!


Two tampons were crossing the street.
They see a friend.
Which one waves?
Neither, they are both stuck up cunts!


Ok now you know how newlyweds like to screw all the time, well the the husband bought colored condoms to make it interesting and the wife always like the yellow ones.
Well when they were done he would always throw it out the window.
Well one day they were out of yellow ones so the husband went outside to get the one he threw out and when he got there a little kid was holding it.
So he thought of a way to get it back.
He went up to the kid and said, 'Hey kid I'll give you 20 dollars for that Twinkie!'
The kid said, 'Ok'
Well the guy went home happy and the kid went back to his mom and said, 'Mom this guy gave me 20 bucks for a Twinkie I already sucked the filling out of!'


The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder.
She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats this gesture about 8 times.
After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves.
She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth.
They can not chew them.
'Why do you buy them then?'
he asks, puzzled.
Where upon the lady answers, 'We just love to lick the chocolate around them'.


A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, 'If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.'
Sure enough, the next day the man is back.
He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
'Did you follow him?
Where did he go?'
asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, 'Your house!'


'Where did you get those zacklies?'
'Zacklies?'
'Yeah, your breath smells zacklie like your butt!'


Johnny and Rebecca were walking down the road and when all of a sudden he sees a 20 dollar bill and tells Rebecca, 'Who's is it, mine or yours?'
So she says, 'Mine.'
Then they make a left and see a 50 dollar bill and he says to her, 'Who's it, mine or yours?'
Now they are almost at the store and there is a dick in her mouth, he says, 'Who's is it?'
Then Rebecca says, 'YOURS, YOURS, OH YOURS!'


One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.
So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food.
Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.
So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .
She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.
When the cashier did, he said, 'It smells like poop!'
The old lady replied, 'Can I buy some toilet paper now?'





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