What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month.
What did the leper say to the blonde hooker?
Keep the tip!
Two tampons were crossing the street.
They see a friend.
Which one waves?
Neither, they are both stuck up cunts!
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, 'We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?'
The mother told them, 'Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.'
So the nuns left thinking, 'What can I do that's unholy?'
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother said tot he first nun, 'What unholy thing did you do?'
and the nun said 'I stole a kid's bike.'
The mother said, 'I guess that will do, go drink some holy water.'
When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, 'What unholy thing did you do?'
The nun replied, 'I slept with a married man!'
The mother said, 'Well, that's sinning.
Go drink holy water.'
The third nun walked in and the mother said, 'What unholy thing did you do?'
The third nun said proudly, 'I pissed in the holy water!'
Two flies were flying around a pile of poo and the first fly started sniffing around and said, 'Ew, who farted?'
Johnny and Rebecca were walking down the road and when all of a sudden he sees a 20 dollar bill and tells Rebecca, 'Who's is it, mine or yours?'
So she says, 'Mine.'
Then they make a left and see a 50 dollar bill and he says to her, 'Who's it, mine or yours?'
Now they are almost at the store and there is a dick in her mouth, he says, 'Who's is it?'
Then Rebecca says, 'YOURS, YOURS, OH YOURS!'
What do you see when you have a vagina stapled to you fore head?
My balls slapping you in the face.
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, 'Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger!
I demand to see what is going on!'
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, 'That's disgusting!'
Then the waitress says, 'You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.'
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady.
A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her 'Do you by any chance have today's paper?'
The lady looked at him and said, 'No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves.'
Why does Santa have huge balls?
Because he only comes once a year!