One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.
So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food.
Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.
So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .
She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.
When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"
Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?
What did the thirsty whale do?
Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they can shoot, steal and run!
While setting at my computer a commercial came on about a feminine product.
The lady said if I have a feminine itch with an odor what do I do?
I said to my wife, what did she do scratch and sniff?
A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and says: "I want a turkey on my right hip."
So the guy says, "Ok."
Does it and then she leaves.
A couple of weeks later she comes back and says: "I want Santa Clause on my left hip."
And the man says, "Ok."
Does it, while she was getting her money out, he says, "Can I ask you why you are doing this?"
And she says, "So my husband will have something to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too!"
The year was 1876.
A lone stage coach rumbled along a road in Texas.
Inside was a tough Texan cowboy, a southern belle, and a sissy businessman from out east.
"Hey, lady, I'll pay you $2 for some oral sex," says the businessman.
Without warning, the cowboy pulls his revolver and blows him away.
"Thank you for defending my honor," the lady says.
"To hell with your honor!"
the Texan roars, "I won't have him raisin' the price of our women!"
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite;
suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"