Enemy ship it's 1841.'captain 1 ship on the horizon'.'assitant bring me my red shirt'.the battle goes on and they lose no allys.'captian you told me to bring u a red shirt.why'.Because if i was bleeding and happended to be shot the sailors wouldn't have noticed and continued to fight on.'wow thats cool'.captian 20 ships on the horizion.assitaint bring me my brown pants
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, 'Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.'
The second guy said, 'Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.'
The third guy says, 'Man that was nothing.
I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.'
Then the first guy said, 'No -- you guys don't understand!
Chunks is my dog!'
Ok now you know how newlyweds like to screw all the time, well the the husband bought colored condoms to make it interesting and the wife always like the yellow ones.
Well when they were done he would always throw it out the window.
Well one day they were out of yellow ones so the husband went outside to get the one he threw out and when he got there a little kid was holding it.
So he thought of a way to get it back.
He went up to the kid and said, 'Hey kid I'll give you 20 dollars for that Twinkie!'
The kid said, 'Ok'
Well the guy went home happy and the kid went back to his mom and said, 'Mom this guy gave me 20 bucks for a Twinkie I already sucked the filling out of!'
How does a woman make a man eat shit?
She wipes forward
A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment.
The doctor calls her name and says, 'Will you please follow me?'
She is following him down the hallway when the doctor opens the first door.
There is a nurse in there giving a guy a hand job.
The doc says, 'Oh, sorry!'
and shuts the door.
He starts down the hall again when the lady says, 'Excuse me, I don't want to sound stupid, but what was that?'
The doctor replies, 'He has a backup problem and the nurse is just helping him out.'
The lady just shakes her head and follows the doctor.
The doc walks into the second door.
There is a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The doc says, 'Oh sorry!'
and shuts the door.
He starts down the hall again and the lady says, 'Excuse me, I can kind of understand the first one - but what was that?'
The doc replies, 'Same problem, better insurance.'
Man: 'I'd like to buy some dog food.'
Checkout lady: 'Do you have a dog?'
Checkout lady: 'Where is he?'
Man: 'He's at home.'
Checkout lady: 'I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog.
The next day, the man returns.
Man: 'I'd like to buy some cat food.'
Checkout lady: 'Do you have a cat?'
Checkout lady: 'Well...
where is he?'
Man: 'He's at home!'
Checkout lady: 'Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.'
The next day the man returns.
Checkout lady: 'What's in the sack?'
Man: 'Put your hand inside.'
Checkout lady: 'Hmm...
It's warm and moist!
What is it?'
Man: 'I would like to buy some toilet paper!'
Did you know that diarrhea runs in the jeans!
A man had to go to the bathroom really bad and the Men's bathroom was locked so he had to go into the Women's.
When he got there, there was three buttons.
One said 'TP'
for Toilet Paper, the second said 'HW'
for Handwashing, and the last said 'TR'
and he didn't know what it ment.
After he was finished, he pressed 'TP'
for toilet paper and 'HW'
to wash his hands.
He got curious and press the third button.
Next thing he knows, he's in the hospital in severe pain.
The third button was a Tampon Removal.
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, 'Romance'
by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!'
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, 'Chanel No.
5, $200 an ounce!'
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, 'Broccoli - 49 cents a pound'...
What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon?
'Honey, no in-between meal snacks!'