Things you shouldn't say during sex
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
But whipped cream gives me the shits.
Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Is that blood on the headboard?
I do this part better myself You look younger than you feel.
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash Have you ever considered liposuction?
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A. The girl who can eat the last donut.
Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
Because things were looking a little fuzzy.
Confucius says "Man who goes to sleep with itchy butt....wakes up man with smelly finger!"
Theres a boy named Jhonne and his mom is always in the bed with kids so he asked her one day did you do it with max and she said no no way then Jhonne said are you sure because in the changeroom today his dick looked like a rainbow and you sure where alot of lipstick
There are three brothers.
The first one likes to cut stuff.
The second loved to paint things green.
The third one just loved to eat pickles so much.
One day, The first dude accidentally cut his penis.
The second dude found it and painted it green and left it o the floor.
The last dude saw it and ate it.
He said it was really juicy and crunchy!
This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door.
"And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"
"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"
"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.
"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger!
I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
Tarzan, The Tree Hugger Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."