Ok now you know how newlyweds like to screw all the time, well the the husband bought colored condoms to make it interesting and the wife always like the yellow ones.
Well when they were done he would always throw it out the window.
Well one day they were out of yellow ones so the husband went outside to get the one he threw out and when he got there a little kid was holding it.
So he thought of a way to get it back.
He went up to the kid and said, 'Hey kid I'll give you 20 dollars for that Twinkie!'
The kid said, 'Ok'
Well the guy went home happy and the kid went back to his mom and said, 'Mom this guy gave me 20 bucks for a Twinkie I already sucked the filling out of!'
How does a woman make a man eat shit?
She wipes forward
This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door.
'And what time do you call this,' she starts angrily, 'You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!'
'Look,' the guy responds calmly, 'How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?'
'Oh, all right then.' his now really hungry wife agrees.
'Fine.' He says, and throws up all over her!
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it!
He said, 'What's wrong with you?
We're being boiled alive!
They're gonna eat us!
What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'
The other missionary replied, 'I just peed in the soup!'
A man had to go to the bathroom really bad and the Men's bathroom was locked so he had to go into the Women's.
When he got there, there was three buttons.
One said 'TP'
for Toilet Paper, the second said 'HW'
for Handwashing, and the last said 'TR'
and he didn't know what it ment.
After he was finished, he pressed 'TP'
for toilet paper and 'HW'
to wash his hands.
He got curious and press the third button.
Next thing he knows, he's in the hospital in severe pain.
The third button was a Tampon Removal.
If you went to a party and woke up with a condom in your ass would you tell anyone?
Wanna go to a party?
What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
A man walked into a market to get some cat food for his cat, the guy at the counter said 'that he cant get the cat food because he can feed it to his children.
so if he brought his cat he can buy the cat food'.
the next day the man came in with his cat.
the man let him buy the cat food.
a couple days later the same guy came in and wanted to buy dog food.
the same guy at the counter said 'he cant buy that dog food because hes going to feed it to his children.'
so the guy brings his dog and he get the dog food.
a couple days later he brings a paper bag to the market.
the same counter guy puts his hand in the bag and say 'eww... this is crap'
the guy who brought the bag said 'yah i kno i wanted to buy toilet paper'
Enemy ship it's 1841.'captain 1 ship on the horizon'.'assitant bring me my red shirt'.the battle goes on and they lose no allys.'captian you told me to bring u a red shirt.why'.Because if i was bleeding and happended to be shot the sailors wouldn't have noticed and continued to fight on.'wow thats cool'.captian 20 ships on the horizion.assitaint bring me my brown pants
Man: 'I'd like to buy some dog food.'
Checkout lady: 'Do you have a dog?'
Checkout lady: 'Where is he?'
Man: 'He's at home.'
Checkout lady: 'I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog.
The next day, the man returns.
Man: 'I'd like to buy some cat food.'
Checkout lady: 'Do you have a cat?'
Checkout lady: 'Well...
where is he?'
Man: 'He's at home!'
Checkout lady: 'Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.'
The next day the man returns.
Checkout lady: 'What's in the sack?'
Man: 'Put your hand inside.'
Checkout lady: 'Hmm...
It's warm and moist!
What is it?'
Man: 'I would like to buy some toilet paper!'