A jelly baby goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor!
I think I've got aids."
The doctor says, "You cant have aids you're too young!"
The jelly baby says, "But I've been sleeping with all sorts!"
patient: Doctor doctor!I feel like a pirate.
doctor: really?how long have you felt this way?
patient: at least a yyyaaaarrrr!
What do puppies and gynecologists have in common?
A woman visiting her doctorís office suddenly blurts out, "Doctor, kiss me!"
The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, "Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!"
says the doctor.
"I am sorry.
I just canít kiss you.
In fact, I probably shouldnít even be fucking you."
A woman and a baby were in the doctorís examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.
The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist,"
the doctor asked.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight!
You donít have any milk."
she said, "Iím his grandmother, but Iím glad I came."
I have an earache.
- Here, eat this root.
- That root is heathen, say this prayer.
- That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
- That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
- That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
- That antibiotic is artificial.
Here, eat this root.
Four doctors who hadnít seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar.
Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients.
The first said, "For sure, electrical engineers."
"You open Ďem up,"
he contended, "and everything is color-coded."
"Nah," said the second.
You open Ďem up and everything is alphabetized."
The third scoffed, "Of course not!"
You open Ďem up and everything is numbered."
"Lawyers," said the fourth, with a shake of his head.
"Itís lawyers, you idiots!
No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable."
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist.
"Doctor", she says, "my husband just doesnít satisfy me sexually anymore."
"Hmm", replies the doctor, "have you considered taking a lover?"
"I did that", she says, "and Iím still not getting enough sex to satisfy me."
"How about taking another lover?"
"I keep trying that.
I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still canít seem to get enough."
"My goodness", says the doctor, "youíre quite an anomaly."
"Oh, thank God", says the woman, "will you please tell them Iím an anomaly?
They all keep calling me a slut."
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."
"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?"
the doctor asked.
"How do you think I called you people?"
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith", he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination!"