A jelly baby goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor! doctor! I think I've got aids."
The doctor says, "You cant have aids you're too young!"
The jelly baby says, "But I've been sleeping with all sorts!"
A woman and a baby were in the doctorís examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.
The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist,"
the doctor asked.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight!
You donít have any milk."
she said, "Iím his grandmother, but Iím glad I came."
patient: Doctor doctor!I feel like a pirate.
doctor: really?how long have you felt this way?
patient: at least a yyyaaaarrrr!
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist.
"Doctor", she says, "my husband just doesnít satisfy me sexually anymore."
"Hmm", replies the doctor, "have you considered taking a lover?"
"I did that", she says, "and Iím still not getting enough sex to satisfy me."
"How about taking another lover?"
"I keep trying that.
I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still canít seem to get enough."
"My goodness", says the doctor, "youíre quite an anomaly."
"Oh, thank God", says the woman, "will you please tell them Iím an anomaly?
They all keep calling me a slut."
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."
"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?"
the doctor asked.
"How do you think I called you people?"
Four doctors who hadnít seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar.
Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients.
The first said, "For sure, electrical engineers."
"You open Ďem up,"
he contended, "and everything is color-coded."
"Nah," said the second.
You open Ďem up and everything is alphabetized."
The third scoffed, "Of course not!"
You open Ďem up and everything is numbered."
"Lawyers," said the fourth, with a shake of his head.
"Itís lawyers, you idiots!
No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable."
Patient: "Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow."
Doctor: "How do you feel?"
Patient: "A little down in the mouth!"
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11 a.m, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 a.m.
So a world-wide expert team was contacted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m.
all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
Just then the clock struck 11...
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner!
What do puppies and gynecologists have in common?