Doctor Jokes
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Doctor Jokes

This page contains 10 Doctor Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Doctor Jokes first.

Four doctors who hadn't seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar.
Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients.
The first said, 'For sure, electrical engineers.'
'You open 'em up,'
he contended, 'and everything is color-coded.'
'Nah,' said the second.
'It's librarians.
You open 'em up and everything is alphabetized.'
The third scoffed, 'Of course not!'
'It's accountants.
You open 'em up and everything is numbered.'
'Lawyers,' said the fourth, with a shake of his head.
'It's lawyers, you idiots!
No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.'


I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.
The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' the woman replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor asked.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.'


Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.


This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor.
The doctor says, It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass.
The doctor then says, I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.
The man replies, Okay.
Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help.
She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over.
All of the sudden the guy screams, Oh My God!.
What's wrong?, says the wife.
The man replies, I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine.


Visit to the doctors A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
'What did the doctor say?'
'He said you're going to die,'
she replied.


Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, 'Hello.'
The other one thought, 'I wonder what he meant by that.'


A woman and a baby were in the doctor?s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.
The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
?Breast fed,?
the woman replied.
?Well, strip down to your waist,?
the doctor asked.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, ?No wonder this baby is under weight!
You don?t have any milk.?
?I know,?
she said, ?I?m his grandmother, but I?m glad I came.?


A Japanese man went to the eye doctor.
The optometrist said to the man, 'Sir, I believe you have a cataract.'
'Oh, no'
replied the Japanese man.
'I dwive a Rincon Continentaw.'


A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, 'Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers.'


 



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