Doctor Jokes
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Doctor Jokes

This page contains 10 Doctor Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Doctor Jokes first.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers ...
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and that the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine;
and the head and butt are interchangeable.'

A man speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'
'Is this her first child?'
the doctor queries.
'No, you idiot!'
the man shouts.
'This is her *husband*!'

Doctors: * 'Welllllll, what have we here...?'
(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.) * 'Let me check your medical history.'
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.) * 'Why don't we make another appointment later in the week.'
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.) * 'We have some good news and some bad news.'
(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.) * 'Let's see how it develops.'
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.) * 'Let me schedule you for some tests.'
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.) * 'I'd like to have my associate look at you.'
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No!
Throw them away like everybody else.

TALKS LIKE A GIRL This guy goes to the doctor and he says in a girls voice why do i sound like this?
Doctor give a complete exam and says the reason you talk like a girl is your penis is 15 inches long and it is pulling your vocal chords down and making you sound like a girl.
I can fix that by transplanting a normal size penis on you.
So the doctor does the operation and its a success and the guy talks normal and he is happy.
Two weeks later the guy goes back to the doctor to get him to put his old penis back on.
He goes into the office and when he see's the doctor the doctor says 'in a girls voice) what can i do for you today?

Too Late A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?'
asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
'That's terrible', said the patient.
'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.'

A woman visiting her doctor's office suddenly blurts out, 'Doctor, kiss me!'
The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, 'Doctor, please, kiss me just once!'
Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, 'Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!'
'Look,'
says the doctor.
'I am sorry.
I just can't kiss you.
In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you.'

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, 'Look ... twins!'
--- Rodney Dangerfield

Elaborate Funeral A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned.
A huge heart made of plastic, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened up, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart to be buried.
At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.
I'm a gynaecologist!'

A dentist say's to his patient 'There is a cavity here I must drill, but before hand I will numb the area with Novacain'
The patient says 'No thanks just drill it.'
The dentist says 'Sir, that would be the worlds worst pain if I drilled your tooth without Novacain'.
The patient says, 'Not even close as I have experieced the worlds 1st and 2nd worst pain there is'.
Intrigued, the dentist inquires as to what could possibly hurt that bad.
The patient says that he experienced the second worst pain while hunting.
'About noon time I had to take a dump and when I dropped my pants and squatted, my family jewels triggered a bear trap'.
The dentist agreed that that would hurt more that drilling his tooth, 'but'
he asked, '
you say that is the second worst pain in the world?
What could possably hurt worse than that'.
The patient said.'When I stood up and ran..and hit the end of that chain'




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