Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes

This page contains 10 Funny Quotes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Funny Quotes first.

Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Beware the man of one book. - St. Thomas Aquinas
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: 'Make me one with everything.'

Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a 'rigged'
demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.

Wisdom of Larry the Cableguy 1.
A day without sunshine is like night.
2.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9.
Support bacteria.
They're the only culture some people have.
10.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13.
How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?
Raise my hand.
14.
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
15.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16.
Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.
17.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20.
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22.
Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23.
Light travels faster than sound...
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates.
It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

The election is over the results are well known The voice of the people has clearly been shown Lets all pull together and show by our deeds That we will give Bush all the help that he needs Forget all our differences and let bitterness pass I'll kiss your elephant And you kiss my ass...

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie;
but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity.
Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality.
Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in.
Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.

A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
A little humility is arrogance.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
A man should be greater than some of his parts.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

Confucius Says...
America good place to put Chinese restaurant.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission




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