Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes

This page contains 10 Funny Quotes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Funny Quotes first.

The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.


Why ---- One liners If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.'
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!


Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong;
the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
- Claude Shouse Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.


Confucius Says...
America good place to put Chinese restaurant.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission


'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
'The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.'
'So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.'
'Warning!
You want a warning?
Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
'Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.'
'In God we trust, all others are suspects.'


Famous Sayings As casar said, 'let me mix that salad!'
As Jack the Ripper's mother said to her son, 'How come you never go out with the same girl twice?'
As Moses said to God, 'Let me see if I have it right-- the Arabs get the oil and we get the right to cut the tips off our WHAT?!'
As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear, 'Don't Shout!'
As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware, 'I can't understand it.
I paid for a seat!'
As Jesse James said to his brother Frank, '
We can't rob that bank.
That's where we keep OUR money!'


The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in.
Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.


Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat;
and Snowman, whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive;
and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit;
and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia;
and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate;
and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions;
and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: 'Your immediate co-operation is requested.
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen;
and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen';
and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:


If at first, you do succeed, try not to look astonished!





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