Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes

This page contains 10 Funny Quotes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Funny Quotes first.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids!
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end!
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard!
Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive, anyway!
There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead!
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys!


The only difference between your face and a bag of crap, is the bag!


A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches;
a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no food.


Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.


Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space;
and yet nothing troubles me less.
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Office Of Precision Guesswork.
Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.


After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false;
think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.


'No, no, no!' said the penguin, 'I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!'
'Surprise!
Surprise!
That's not my ear canal either!'
Oh no!
The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!
'Mommy Mommy,'
Little Johnny replied, 'is that why the soufflé is burnt?'
'Tokyo?'
Said the nun, 'You fool, I said take the hoe!'
And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.
And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.
'Whew!' said the blonde, 'I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!'
'No wait, you don't understand,' said the fat man, 'Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother's love!'
As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken.
The dog was only taking a nap.
'Yeah,' said the Scottsman, 'but at least I don't have a scented hand soap named after ME!'
As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled 'EGG BEATER!'
'Isotope?'
He replied, 'That's no isotope!'


Chinese Proverbs: Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.


Odd but True Facts * Molecularity speaking, water is actually much drier than sand.
* The term 'bank teller'
originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to 'tell'
throngs of frantic depositors that their money was gone.
* The brand name 'Jelly Belly'
was created in 1982 after Nancy Reagan made a much-publicized quip about her husband's 20-pound weight gain.
* The Internal Revenue Service audits 87 percent of women who claim breast implants as tax deductions.
* Scandinavian berserkers used to cut out their eyes before battle to spare themselves the sight of the carnage they invariably wrought.
* Human tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they've been removed.
* Comic duo Cheech and Chong were originally known as Spic and Span before changing due to pressure from Chicano organizations.
* The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11,284), has never had a homicide occur within its boundaries.
* Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.


Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.





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