How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!
He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
Why are guys faster than girls?
They have a stick shift and ball bearings!
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place!
Why did God invent a man first?
She wanted to start with something simple.
Oil Changing Instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3)15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up.
Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up;
poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17) Buddy shows up;
finish case of beer with him.
Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11;
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: $50.00 parts $25.00 beer $75.00 replacement set of jack stands $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1350.00
What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.